


We Carved Our Love In Oak

by skylinehorizon



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Coming of Age, First Time, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor drug use (cannabis), Road Trips, Sexuality, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-05
Updated: 2013-08-05
Packaged: 2017-12-22 12:35:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/913293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skylinehorizon/pseuds/skylinehorizon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the summer after they finish high school, Jensen embarks on a roadtrip with his best friend. The great search beneath the hard sun begins - discovering old vinyls, second-hand novels, and realizing some important things along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for spn_j2_bigbang over on LJ. 
> 
>  
> 
> [LJ masterpost](http://skylinehorizon.livejournal.com/46272.html%20)
> 
>  
> 
> Art throughout by [mashimero](http://mashimero.livejournal.com/206898.html) on LJ.

 

 

 

_"I always think -- for every big, meaningful moment in life there’s a song to go with it."_

 

***

Jared has always had big dreams. 

Everything about him is extraordinary, oversized, spectacular. He outgrew his home the day he hit double digits and decided their small Texas town wasn’t enough for him anymore.

When they were fourteen years old they both found odd jobs around town; newspaper rounds, washing cars, yard work -- anything to put some bucks in their pockets for their  _big adventure._ Jared would invite Jensen over to watch documentaries about the world and Jensen would sit and listen and agree to each fantastical new idea.

Jared outgrew their small town and wanted to leave, and by the time they finished high school he was already packing his bags and itching to step foot in another state.

And Jensen? Jensen was in love.

"I'm going to tell her," Jared says, fingers drumming against the tabletop. They're sat at the old diner in town, two milkshakes between them. "Ask her if we can borrow the truck."

Jensen looks towards him from where he'd been watching the town outside the window.

"Ask her?"

"Our road trip," Jared says, grinning, pulling his milkshake closer. He sucks up some of the pink, frothy liquid through the straw. Once he's finished, he pulls back and says, "I think we should leave this week."

Jensen's not sure how they managed to get on this conversation. How Jared is able to make up these fantastic dreams and turn them into something tangible.

Jensen studies Jared's face and he smiles. "Wow. You're serious. This week?"

"If you need anything back home we should go get it."

The words are said almost flippantly, casual, but Jared's betrayed by the concern in his eyes. Jensen feels weighed down by it.

He pastes on a smile. "I think I'm good."

Jared grins at him and this time it's real, genuine, Padalecki sunshine.

"Thursday, Jen. We're finally going to leave this town."

 

 

 

***

 

Jared’s got a pile of yellowing, rolled up maps in his room in a crumbling cardboard box.

He opens them up, spreads them over his wooden desk and places weights at north, south, east and west. They curl at the edges and Jared traces his finger along roads and rivers as he tells Jensen of all the things they’re going to do when they get there.  _This is where The Beatles toured, this is where Johnny Cash played with Elvis in 1956. You like Johnny Cash, don’t you, Jen?_

Hands splayed over different states, the contour lines of mountains, blue patches of water.

He points to a square on the map.

_There’s nothing there. It’s just a field._

Jared turns to him and he grins.  _We’ll sleep under the stars._

 

 

 

***

Jensen is sitting on the crumbling stone step in the Padalecki’s backyard,  _The Shining_  in his hands as he peers over the top, watching Jared speak to his mama. Her hands are quick and deft as she folds the sheets over the washing line, pegging them in place.

“We’re going to see America. This is what I’ve been saving for, and me and Jensen have got the whole summer to do it.”

His mama side-eyes him and frowns. “You’re eighteen, Jared. You’re not ready to drive across America with no money and a mind full of so many crazy ideas.”

“We’re going to watch out for each other. Jen’s been saving too, and we have it all planned out. I promise you we’ll keep in touch. It won’t be long - a week, two tops. 

“What about Jensen’s parents?” She asks, and Jensen feels an iron hand wrap around his heart and squeeze too tight.

“Jensen’s parents don’t--”

The words die on his lips and Jensen flicks his eyes back down to his book when Jared looks over. His face is tense and drawn, and there’s too much sympathy there, so much sadness Jensen feels like he’s drowning in it.

He turns the page of his book.

“Please, mama,” Jared begs, voice softer now, gentle like the blades of grass that are currently tickling Jensen’s ankles. “We’ll be safe. We just want the truck, that’s all. We’ll be back soon.”

She pauses, her hands absently stroking over the pillowcase she’s just hung up to dry. She’s tiny next to Jared, her hair tied up in a loose bun, a smudge of red lipstick on her lips. She looks old and tired and small, but Jensen recognizes her gentle eyes ( _the same as her son’s_ ), the defeated huff of breath and the small, wonky smile.

“You’re going to kill me one day, Jared.”

A slow grin spreads across Jared’s face and Jensen dog-ears his page, closes his book.

“That’s a yes?”

“Yes, fine, yes,” Mrs Padalecki says, with a sudden armful of her middle son, and Jensen smiles, slides the cigarette from behind his ear and puts it between his lips. Jared meets Jensen’s eyes over her shoulder and grins. 

 

***

_Come on, Jensen. I’ve got something to show you._

Water, sandwiches, a packet of cigarettes and a book with yellowing pages. He follows him through the thick maze of trees, down towards the Murphy’s lake and past the old shed with the falling apart piano inside. Jared takes him further, further than he’s been before, the heat thick and sticky, Jensen’s shirt clinging to his back.

Jared peels his own off and tucks it into the waistband of his jeans, and Jensen has to swallow hard, pull out a cigarette and let it hang between his lips as he fiddles with the lighter.

The flies buzz around their heads and Jared regales him with a fabricated tale of visiting the beaches in California, drinking cool beer on the sand and getting matching tattoos on their hips. Each time it’s a new dream and Jensen listens with the same intensity he always does, knows he’s never really getting out of here, and all he’s got to his name is a box of secondhand novels and the shirt off his back.

Jared knows all this, and he doesn’t seem to care.

Jared pulls out his pocket-knife, scratches a  _J_  into the tree and passes it to Jensen without saying anything. Jensen grips it tight in his hand to stop it slipping from the sweat on his palms as he digs it into the bark.

 _J+J_. J+J on the bark of an old oak tree. 

Jensen pulls back to see Jared smiling at him in a way that makes his breath catch. He puts another cigarette between his lips, and Jared lights it for him, before pulling back and asking him whether he’d like to visit Chicago or New York first.

Jensen takes a long drag, blows the smoke into the air around them and knows that it doesn’t matter because it’s not going to happen anyway.

 

***

Except, it does. It does happen.

Two days after Mrs Padalecki agrees, Jared shakes Jensen awake with his truck running outside and a wide grin on his face. It’s 6am and the birds are singing.

“Are you shitting me?”

Jared throws his head back and laughs with his entire body, dimples and floppy hair and stretch of pink lips.

“Come on, Jen. I promise to buy you some coffee on the road. 

It’s difficult to say no to Jared.

The sun is only starting to rise as they make it onto the road, and it’s already a hot, and hard sun above them. It’s going to be another summer day in Texas, but soon they will be in New Mexico, and wherever they end up after that.

Jared’s driving with a soft smile on his lips and Jensen finds himself watching him more than the long stretch of road that lies ahead. 

People in their slow, tiny town begin to wake up, moving about in the oppressive summer heat, and Jensen thinks of all the faces he knows and all the new ones they’re going to meet.

They're both in good moods as they set off, Jared singing loud over the stereo and Jensen sitting beside him, watching him with a smile on his face. He's not sure where they're going to end up, what there even is to do with the insignificant amount of money they have, or how far they'll be able to get. It doesn't seem to matter when they stop at a small roadside café a couple of hours later, buy coffees, eat sandwiches with stale bread and share a chocolate bar.

There’s a group of motorcyclists sitting a few tables away from them, a couple who look like they're in their forties buying food, and other than that it's just them. Jared has his pocket map spread in front of him and he's sucking on a square of the chocolate bar, the rest of it on the table beside him. 

"I think we should head towards LA," he mumbles around the chocolate in his mouth, before finally swallowing it. "Go towards California and see where we end up on the way. Maybe go to San Francisco. How'd you feel about that? Sounds good, right?

Jensen doesn't really care where they go. Jared knows this, but likes to include him anyway, likes to ask Jensen's opinion and always takes it into account if Jensen offers up his thoughts.

"Sounds good to me, Jay," is what he says, before finishing off the rest of his coleslaw and cheese sandwich. 

"Great," Jared says, haphazardly folding the map back up and shoving it into his pocket. After finishing up the rest of his chocolate, he says, "I think we should leave our mark. Everywhere we go."

"How?" Jensen asks, taking a sip of coke from the plastic bottle.

They're both silent, thinking, until Jensen finally gets an idea.

"How about scratching our initials into a tree? Like the oak down by the lake."

Jared grins at him and shoves his hand into his pocket, pulls out his keys and the penknife that's on a keychain. "How about this table? Think they'll mind?" 

"Go on then," Jensen says. "Make it small though. We're not fucking vandals."

Jared carves a small  _J_  into the table top and then passes it to Jensen who carves his own  _J_  next to it. 

_J+J._

"There we are," Jared says, rubbing the pad of his thumb over it. "Jared and Jensen."

They drive for the rest of the day in alternate turns, Jared driving for a couple of hours and then Jensen for a couple more, stopping to eat potato chips and packed sandwiches from Jared’s bags.

When the stars begin to come out they park up at the side of a long, deserted road and settle down on the dry, yellowing grass. Jared lies on his front, watching Jensen with a lopsided smile as he tries to get comfortable on the hard ground.

Jared grins with his beautiful, crooked teeth and Jensen absently starts pulling the grass from the earth and smiles back.

“This everything you dreamed it would be, Jay?”

“Better.”

They fall asleep together beneath the stars and Jensen is able to forget all about home and Texas and breathe easy again. 

 

***

The next morning they’re woken early by the sounds of birds. Jared’s already waking up with a smile and Jensen glares at him, wanting to crawl into the truck and go to sleep. 

“Come on, Jen,” Jared prods. “We’ve got a lot of driving to do.”

Jensen stands up and stretches, clothes rumpled and hair a mess on the top of his head.

“Pass me the keys then,” Jensen says, holding his hand out, staring up at the summer sky that last night was filled with thousands of stars. 

The sun is low and heavy, casting a white glow across the tarmac of the highway. Jensen’s got one hand on the wheel, the other resting on his thigh, feeling his shirt stick to the small of his back. The windows are rolled down and Jared’s sunglasses are on his head to pull back his hair, to keep it from his face in the rush of the wind.

He’s in control of the music, is setting their soundtrack and singing along loud and off-key and it makes Jensen smile.

The next song begins to play and Jensen recognizes it as  _Here Comes The Sun_ by The Beatles _._  He snorts and looks over at Jared for a brief second before returning his eyes to the road. “Really? Do you ever listen to anything that isn’t older than you?”

“What?” Jared says, his voice rising over the sound of the music and the rushing wind. He sounds offended and Jensen cocks an eyebrow at him.

“Dude, don’t sound so scandalized. I was just wondering if you listened to anything that wasn’t -- you know.” He pauses, not sure where he’s going with this. “I don’t know, I guess they always seemed a little overrated?”

He lets his sentence hang like a question and flicks his eyes back over to Jared. His mouth is agape and eyes are wide like fishbowls, and Jensen tries not to laugh.

Jared comes back to himself with a snap, and he says, “The Beatles, Jensen -- The Beatles! Everything awesome about music today can be traced back to them!”

“I mean, yeah,” Jensen says, feeling like he’s stepped into a war zone with no idea how he ended up there. “It’s good music. Just - dated, I guess.”

“No, Jensen.  _No._ The stuff they talked about? The stuff they sung about is still so fucking relevant. First love and heartbreak and simple stuff like wanting to hold the hand of the person you like. They talked politics into their music in a way that made people listen. And world tours, right? Name any band before them that did world tours like The Beatles. They changed  _everything._ They got people excited over music.” 

“Evidently,” Jensen says with a grin, catching flashes of Jared in the corner of his eye, the way he talks with his entire body, his hands.

“And - most importantly - they made it fashionable for guys to grow long hair.”

Jensen laughs then, figures that’s something Jared would know about.

“Dated?” Jared scoffs and shakes his head. “Jesus, Jensen. And this is coming from the guy who listens to Johnny Cash’s first records.”

“That’s good shit,” Jensen says.

“Hell yeah it is.”

When the song ends Jared changes it to  _Folsom Prison Blues_  and Jensen sings along, Jared laughing beside him.

“Dude, look,” Jared exclaims, once the song is ending and mixing into something else. “Pull over, look!”

There’s a guy standing at the side of the road with a backpack at his feet and his thumb sticking out. He’s got a tie-dye bandana around his head and grins at them when Jensen starts to pull over.

“I don’t think this is such a good idea, Jay,” Jensen says.

“Jen, he’s just a hitchhiker - hey, man!”

The guy comes up to the window and grins at them. “Awesome. You bitches gonna give me a ride?”

“Uh,” Jensen says.

“Yeah, get in!” Jared says and Jensen sighs as Jared gets squashed up beside him, tries to will his pulse to stay steady at the warmth that he feels pressed up against his right side. 

The three of them squeeze together with Jared in the middle. 

“Name’s The Chad,” the hitchhiker offers.”But you can call me Chadmeister.”

“I’m Jared,” Jared says, as Jensen gets the engine started. “That’s Jensen.”

“Hi,” Jensen says.

"Where are you from, Chadmeister?" Jared asks, offering him a Red Bull from the glove box. The guy takes it and pops the cap before answering.

"New York."

Jared’s eyes widen. "Wow."

Jensen recognizes the wistful tone in his voice, has heard it many times before.

"Jared's got a bad case of wanderlust," Jensen says. "We're from a small town in Texas."

"No shit," Chad says, raising an eyebrow at them both. “Where are you guys off to?”

“LA,” Jared says. “And then anywhere the road takes us after that.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“Eight-hundred miles to go,” Jensen says, catching Jared’s gaze and his soft smile before putting his eyes back on the road. He pulls away and they’re back onto the tarmac, driving onwards.  

***


	2. Part 2

As the afternoon drags on and the road rolls on beneath their tires Jensen starts to feel hot and sleepy, and compensates by drinking a couple of cans of Red Bull. They stop for a late lunch and early dinner in a tiny town called Earthside Grove and relax in the sunshine, getting to know Chad better.

“I had a girl,” he says, once there’s a large plate of fries on the table, and they’re all picking at them. “Kenzie.”

Jared gives him a genuinely sympathetic look and asks, “What happened?”

“She found out I was sleeping with Maria,” Chad says, seemingly unfazed as he shovels more fries into his mouth.

“Oh,” Jared says and Jensen grins, not sure there are more than five times he can remember Jared being at a loss for words.

“That generally happens, dude,” Jensen says. The wind blows across them, cool and refreshing, and the air smells sweet, of cut grass and honeysuckle. “You know, when you’re in a relationship with someone and you cheat on them. You’re gonna get dumped.”

“I’ll get her back,” Chad says. “ _Nobody_ can stay away for long.”

“Maybe you’ll find a new girl in LA,” Jared says.

“If not, you can always pay,” Jensen offers and Jared kicks him under the table while he tries to bite back a smile.

Chad levels his eyes at Jensen. “Was that humor? Did you  _joke_?”

Jared laughs and leans forward. “Jensen’s a prissy princess, but don’t let him scare you. He’s nice, really.”

“Jay,” Jensen grumbles. “Stop spilling secrets. You’re ruining my image here, man.”

Jared rolls his eyes, fond, and shoves a couple of french fries into his mouth.

After finishing lunch they use the restroom and stretch their legs before heading back to the truck, Jensen back behind the driver’s seat again.

They continue their long drive and don’t stop properly for hours, only occasionally to stretch their legs, and for Jensen to smoke and load up on Red Bull.

As dusk falls and the night approaches, Jensen feels hyped and buzzing, Chad and Jared relaxed and tired beside him.

"How much farther?" he asks.

Jared pulls out the maps and a flashlight and traces his finger over roads and railways trying to find out where they are.

"About... Five-hundred miles?"

“Jesus  _Christ,”_ Jensen says, hands gripping the wheel. “Five-hundred more miles? We can do that. We can do that  _today._ ”

“Uh, Jensen?” Jared says, folding the map away. "Do you want me to drive?”

“No,” Jensen says. His heart is racing in his chest, ready to thump its way out. “Maybe.”

“How many Red Bulls have you had?” Chad asks, popping a can open for himself.

“Four, recently. In a row. Didn’t - uh. Realize how the caffeine would affect me.”

“Um,” Jared says. “Maybe pull up soon, Jensen. Sleep beneath the stars again, tonight.”

“Yeah, okay,” Jensen says.

They keep driving for fifteen more minutes before pulling up to a small, dusty parking lot by a State Park, where there are only a couple of other cars and a camping ground.

Jensen parks up and Jared goes to pay the fee to stay the night.

“I just need to take a piss,” Jensen says, and hops out of the truck to head to the toilets to relieve himself.

Once he’s done he jogs back to the truck, where Jared and Chad are making a campfire, and Jensen finds some dry leaves and twigs to use as kindling, before getting his lighter out and starting it.

It’s not long before the fire is burning, the branches and twigs crackling as they turn to ash. They relax on the dry earth, drinking beers and talking quietly in the dusk.

"What are you gonna do when we hit LA?" Jared asks, poking their small campfire with a stick. It crackles and smokes and the embers spit and rise into the air.

"Lots of shit," Chad says. He takes a gulp of his beer before replying. "Meet girls, have lots of awesome sex, do some drugs, some rock and roll. What about you guys? Minus the girls bit, of course."

Jared frowns at him and Jensen snorts, can't help the laughter that bubbles out of him. Jared looks at Jensen, still with the same confused look on his face, before turning back to Chad.

“Why minus the girls?”

Chad narrows his eyes at them. “What, you’re into kinky shit? Threesomes?”

Jensen watches Jared’s expression until it finally breaks into a grin and he throws his head back, laughing with his entire body.

Chad looks it him warily and takes a sip of beer.

“Jared isn’t gay,” Jensen says. “And we’re not together.”

"Fuck off," Chad says. He looks between them, squinting. "Wait, seriously?"

“Uh, seriously,” Jared nods, grinning.

“Huh,” Chad says. “You have the whole bromance thing going on.”

Jensen doesn’t want to see Jared’s reaction to that, and instead concentrates on poking the fire.

“Understandable,” Jared says. “I mean I do love Jensen. We’re best buddies, after all.”

Jared wraps an arm around his neck and Jensen makes sure he smiles.

They sleep beneath the stars again and Jensen lies awake once the other two are fast asleep, watching the steady rise and fall of Jared's chest. 

 

***

The next morning they take advantage of the shower facilities and go to the toilet and shave before heading out again.

“We need to find a laundromat once we get to the city,” Jared says.

Jensen snorts. “Agreed.”

They drive in turns, Chad taking a small stretch until they discover he likes to drive twenty miles over the speed limit, and it's back to regular bursts of Jared and Jensen again. 

They hit traffic entering LA, and a lot of time is spent with the windows rolled down and edging along slowly, bumper to bumper. They listen to music while they wait and they settle on a classic rock radio station once Jared’s iPod dies.

“Well, this is it,” Jared says, turning off the engine and looking towards Chad once they've entered the city and have parked up.

“Thank you Jared and Jensen,” Chad says, grabbing his rucksack from between his feet and resting it on his lap. He opens it and starts rooting through it. “I hope you find what you’re looking for and you have some fun. Sex, drugs and rock and roll, the whole deal.”

“Thanks man,” Jared says.

Chad pulls out his wallet and opens it, handing out something for Jared to take.

"It's not a lot," Chad says, as Jared looks down at his palm, at the twenty dollars and single condom that Chad drops there. "But to say thanks."

"Thanks, Chadmeister," Jared says again with a grin.

“See you around,” Jensen says, and Chad hops out of the truck, giving them a little wave as he walks off.

“I’m gonna kind of miss him,” Jared says, as they watch him head into the crowds, leering at the women who walk past.

Jensen huffs a laugh and says, “Certainly won’t be forgetting him anytime soon.”

“Definitely not.”

They decide to get some dinner, and find a diner a few minute's walk from where they parked the truck. They lug their bags with them in the hopes that they’ll find a laundromat somewhere nearby, but Jared’s insistent on eating something first before they go searching. They sit at a table by the window and Jared watches people pass by with a smile on his face.

"Can I get you boys some coffee?"

They look up to see a waitress with a high ponytail and pink lipgloss, who’s smacking gum and smiling down at them.

“Oh God yes,” Jensen says. He hasn’t had a hot drink in what feels like too long, and he’s itching for the comforts usually found from living indoors, rather than in a truck or on the road.

“Make that two, then,” Jared says, raising his eyebrows up at Jensen with an amused expression.

They order some fries and burgers and eat them quickly, an easy silence between them.

The waitress comes back to take their plates and Jensen smiles up at her. “Hey, do you know where we could find a laundromat around here?”

“Sure. Two blocks over,  _Jeannie’s,_ ” she answers.

Jared gets his wallet out. "Thanks."

When they reach the laundromat they discover that  _Jeannie's_ is small but it's clean, and there are washing machines available for them to use.

They stuff their clothes into two washing machines, feed it coins and watch as it whirrs to life.

While they wait, they decide to visit some stores. They bypass the clothes stores and head straight into the tiny, independent, second-hand ones, and find a place that’s lined floor to ceiling with old books.

Jensen smiles as he steps inside, the smell of their yellowing pages lingering on the air, like a warm welcome. Jared trails in after him, and Jensen can feel his eyes on him, watching as he picks up random books and flicks through the pages.

The store front was tiny, but the further inside they go, they find it stretches out towards the back and up several flights of stairs with no spare inch of the wall not covered by piles of books.

Jensen picks up a copy of  _The Great Gatsby,_ dog-eared with pencil markings inside and he reads the first page, runs his thumb over the faded ink. Jared flicks through a few books but he’s mostly quiet, watching Jensen with a soft smile on his face. They wander around in a comfortable silence until Jensen realizes how long he’s been lost in the books, and smiles apologetically over to Jared.

“Sorry,” he says. “I could spend hours in here. We can go now, if you like.”

“It’s okay,” Jared says. “It’s nice in here. We’ve still got a little bit of time to kill anyway before we have to get our clothes, get them tumble-dried. Wanna slowly wander back, stop in some more stores maybe?"

“Sure,” Jensen agrees, putting the book back.

They find their way back through the maze of books and head out through the exit, a tiny bell chiming over their heads. The street is bustling, with people stopping to stare in the window fronts of stores, to rummage through boxes of old books and records.

They stop outside of a music store and Jared flips through the old vinyls, and slips one out of its sleeve, holding it up at eye level.

“ _Dark Side of the Moon,”_ Jared breathes. “One of the best records to exist. Best concept album ever, except maybe  _The Wall._ ”

When Jared gets passionate about something it’s evident in every move of his bones, like it’s some energy that thrums through him and lights him up from the inside out. Jensen’s got a sudden urge to buy it for him, to play it on an old record player and listen to it the entire way through.

“There’s a song on it.  _Great Gig in the Sky._ The vocals on it are completely improvised. It’s just - fucking _perfect._ ”

“Do you want to buy it?” Jensen asks.

Jared looks at it for a little while longer before slipping it back into its sleeve and placing it back.

“I think I’ll stick to browsing, for now."

Some day, Jensen will buy that record for him.

They fall into step as they walk down the street, in silent agreement back towards the laundromat. They wait ten minutes before taking their clothes out, pay for a quick tumble-dry, and then head back to the truck to put their bags away and make plans for the evening.

As the sky begins to grow dark, Jared makes a bed out of the back of the truck and then rummages through his bags, pulling out a bottle of  _Jack Daniels_.

“You are awful,” Jensen teases, sitting down beside him and picking up a shot glass for Jared to fill.

Jared’s tongue is sticking out in concentration as he fills the shot glass and then Jensen throws it back, shutting his eyes against the taste.

He hands the shot glass to Jared, who pours his own and then drinks it, making a small disgruntled sound after swallowing.

"Don't you know it," he says. Jensen takes the shot glass back and Jared grins. 

 

***

Jensen is  _drunk._ Jared’s able to twist Jensen’s arm easy as anything, and one shot turned into two into four into six and they’re walking through the city, Jared stumbling over cracks in the pavement like he hasn’t fully grown into his legs yet.

“Hey -- you got a lighter I can borrow?”

Jensen halts to a stop, sees three guys looking at him, the shorter one with a cigarette in his hand.

“Uh, yeah,” Jensen says, fumbling for his zippo in his pocket and handing it over.

“Thanks, man,” he says.

“Hey, are you okay?” One of the other guys says, eyeing Jared, who’s swaying slightly where he stands.

Jensen looks over at him, and a lazy grin spreads across Jared’s face.

“I’m  _searching,_ ” Jared slurs, and wraps an arm around Jensen’s waist. “We’re on a road trip!”

The guy who’s smoking grins at him and there’s a devilish glint in his eye that Jensen’s not sure he should trust. He hands Jensen’s lighter back and then says, “That so, eh? Who are you searching for?”

“Who am I searching for?” Jared repeats, the consonants blurring together, and then he pauses, frowns, and then another slow smile spreads across his face. “God! We’re on the search for -- for God.”

The guy throws his head back as he laughs, and Jensen shakes his head with a smile, holding Jared up as he sways on unsteady feet.

“I’m not sure he’s around these parts, kid,” the guy says after a moment, still grinning. “But I can show you to St. Theresa’s, if you like. You interested in becoming a nun?”

“I dunno,” Jared says, and then turns Jensen. “Jen? How would I look dressed as a nun?”

Jensen rolls his eyes. “Like a fucking confused stripper.”

The guy who asked for a lighter laughs and the other two smile, Jared trying to glare at Jensen, ruined by the way he’s gripping tight onto Jensen’s arm to keep himself steady.

One of the other guys speaks up, grinning as he says, “Hey, you guys say you’re on a road trip? You wanna see what LA is really about?”

“Yeah,” Jared says, immediately. “Yeah, show us.”

Jensen flicks his eyes between the three guys who are standing in front of them and Jared, who’s still got his arm around Jensen’s waist, making it difficult to do anything but stand there and take his weight.

“I’m not sure,” he says, finally.

“Come on, Jen,” Jared says.

“Yeah, come on, Jen _,_ ” the guy with the cigarette says.

“It’s Jensen.” He throws a glare towards Jared but Jared isn’t looking at him, instead smiling down at the three guys.

“Well it’s Chris,” the guy says, finishing his cigarette and crushing it beneath the heel of his boot.

“I’m Mike,” another guy says, and the third just nods and says, “Steve.”

“Jared,” Jared says, nodding back at them.

"Alright then," Chris says, clapping his hands together. "Let us show you Joey's."

Jensen relents and rolls his eyes as Jared makes a whooping noise and drags him along the path.

***

Jensen is always reassured by the fact that when in new company, Jared will always take the pressure off having to make conversation. He’s glad for it now, even if every other word comes out slurred.

“We’re not searching for God,” Jared says, with his dopey smile that Jensen remembers from dusky evenings with a pack of cards, in the long grass by the lake back home and a bottle of  _Jack_  between them. “I’m searching for something, though. And I’m with my best friend.”

As Jared says it he grins and nudges Jensen’s shoulder with his own. “What more could you want?”

“Nothing,” Mike says, watching them with a smile.

“We’re from a shitty little town in Texas and we’ve driven thousands of miles,” Jared tells him. “Isn’t that right?”

“That’s right,” Jensen says, smiling fondly.

They stop outside a small bar, and Steve holds out the pack of cigarettes. Jensen takes one with a grin and a nod of his head before he slips it between his lips.

The night passes in a messy blur. The bar is small but it’s homely, welcoming, and Chris keeps buying them drinks, keeps putting shots in front of Jared and Jensen and Jared’s more than willing to try anything new. Jensen drinks a little less but enough to feel like he’s going to throw up.  When he gets to that stage he stops and lets his head roll back against the wall, the other guys still drinking their beers like parched fish thrown back into water.

Mike’s slurring so much it’s difficult to understand what he’s saying, and Chris is making a concentrated effort to try and stand up, leaning on Steve for support.

“C’mon, Jen,” Jared says, patting Jensen’s shoulder a few times. “We’re leaving now. Time to go, Jensen.”

Jared’s suddenly pulling him up and he’s swaying on unsteady feet, Jared’s hands all over him as he’s led away from the table.

"Let’s go," Chris stays, stumbling out the door. The night air hits them and it's refreshing, cooler than the suffocating heat from inside.

Jared's pressed up close beside him and Jensen's head is swimming, the ground feeling like it's moving. He feels light, like air, like he weighs nothing at all and he's hovering above the concrete.

He wonders, for a moment, if he’s going to be able to make it back to the truck. He has no idea where it’s parked, or even if they’re nearby.

Chris is trying to help Steve roll a cigarette and Mike looks like he’s talking to himself, leaning up against the wall.

“Hey,” Jensen says, realizing with a start that he’s standing alone. “Where’s--”

He turns to see Jared crouching down in front of a dog and a homeless man. He’s completely ignoring the man in favor of stroking the dog’s head and talking to it, and then he laughs to himself, as if the dog said something particularly entertaining.

The four boys fall into silence watching them.

“What the fuck?” Mike says, finally, as Jared keeps up an incessant chatter.

“Uh,” Jensen says. “He likes dogs.”

“Yeah,” Steve says slowly. “Apparently.”

“I’ll handle this,” Jensen says, and walks over to Jared, giving a smile to the homeless man.

“--I mean, I don’t live here, otherwise I’d take you with me and he’d probably not like you in the truck anyway and my momma would--”

“Jared,” Jensen says. “Why are you talking to a dog?”

Jared turns to him with a blinding smile and Jensen’s suddenly distracted by his dimples. He swallows hard and tries to keep his gaze focused on Jared’s eyes, instead of his two dimples, his easy smile, his pink lips. Fuck, his  _tongue._

“--called Lucky and isn’t she gorgeous?”

“Yeah, really gorgeous. Come on, Jared,” Jensen placates, circling his fingers around his wrist and pulling him away.

Jared comes easily enough and they make their way back over to the other guys, who are back to trying to make something resembling a cigarette from Steve’s tobacco and papers.

They light up using Jensen’s zippo and then stumble along the street, none of them really knowing where they’re going.

“I’m ready to crash,” Mike says.

“Yeah,” Steve says. “I was ready twenty drinks ago.”

“Y’all can stay at mine,” Chris says. “I got floor big enough.”

“Thanks,” Jared says, dropping a heavy hand onto Chris’ shoulder. “ _Really,_ Chris. Thanks.”

Chris smirks and they carry on walking, following Chris as he leads them past closed stores and further through the streets, until they’re entering a neighborhood with a few broken streetlights and the sound of barking dogs in the distance.

They stumble up the steps and follow Chris into his apartment, Jared tripping over his own feet more than once. Jensen’s ready to collapse onto the floor and fall right the fuck asleep wherever he lands.

They lie down in a heap on the carpet and Jensen groans when he shuts his eyes, part in relief and part due to the spinning sensation he gets in the darkness and the alcohol.

“Jen,” Jared whispers, kicking Jensen in the leg while he tries to get comfortable. “Jen.”

“What?” Jensen mumbles, face pressed against the ground.

“I’m hungry,” he says, shuffling closer.

“Shut up,” Jensen says, and lets himself get pulled into sleep.

 

***


	3. Part 3

He comes around to consciousness slowly, and it takes him a full minute to get through the thumping in his head and realize the sounds he’s hearing are the sounds of someone throwing up.

He groans and rolls over onto his back, pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes.

“Fuck,” he mutters, the taste in his mouth making him wonder if he threw up at any time last night.

Last night.

He groans again and moves his hands away from his eyes and blinks against the light.

With great effort and a spinning head he props himself up on his elbows and glances around the room. He’s lying on the floor, wearing one shoe and the other hidden under the mounds of clothes, potato chip packets and whatever shit is spread around the room.

He manages to stand, feeling like he's going to topple over at any moment, and heads towards the bathroom. Its door is half ajar, and Jensen peeks inside, where Jared is leaning over the toilet in a real sorry state.

"Jay," Jensen croaks, moving forward and getting down on his knees beside him. "You okay, man?"

Jared groans and Jensen tucks a piece of hair behind his ear, out of the way of Jared's face.

"Drank too much," Jared says, and Jensen hums in assent, hand resting on Jared's back. "Never--"

He's cut off with a cough, gagging, and he's throwing up into the toilet bowl again. Jensen's stomach turns and he swallows hard, wills his own body to behave and tries to breathe past the clogging smell of vomit that's filling up the tiny room.

"--drinking again?" Jensen finishes for him, hand rubbing up and down Jared's back.

"Never," Jared repeats, head hanging forward.

They sit for a moment, Jensen's hand resting on Jared's back while he breathes, slow and steady over the toilet bowl.

Jared sits back on the cold bathroom tiles and sways a little. Jensen shuffles forward to put his hands on his shoulders to keep him upright and Jared shuts his eyes with a small sigh.

He makes a small, croaky sound in the back of his throat and sinks back against Jensen, who makes room for him in the vee of his open legs.

Jensen is hit with the sudden proximity of them, the warmth of Jared seeping through his clothes. He’s always been like a furnace and Jensen tries not to think about it, shuts his eyes and ignores the feel of Jared’s shifting muscles as much he can.

"Feel like shit," Jared mumbles.

"You smell like shit," Jensen says keeping his arms wrapped around Jared's body, in a backwards semblance of a hug.

The door creaks behind them and Jensen looks over his shoulder to see Chris standing there in just his boxers.

He raises an eye at the two of them and then smirks.

"Feeling rough, Jared?" he drawls, all southern twang.

Jared groans and nods, still leaning back against Jensen's chest. He doesn't make any effort to move.

“Come out when you’re ready, serve you up some breakfast,” he says. He gives Jensen a quick wink and then walks away. Jensen feels himself blush, and realizes that Chris probably sees more than he lets on.

Jared’s head is lolling forward on his chest and Jensen shifts a little on the hard ground, getting uncomfortable.

“Jared?” Jensen says, softly. “You falling asleep again man?”

“‘M tired,” he says.

“I know,” Jensen says. “But you should get up. Eat some breakfast; it will make you feel better. Plus, my ass is getting numb.”

Jared mumbles something and it’s too slurred to discern, but he’s moving off of Jensen, slowly. He tears some tissue paper off the roll and brings it up to his mouth, groaning.

“You okay?” Jensen asks, standing up. His head is thumping and he’s lightheaded, thinks maybe Jared has the right idea and the floor is the best place. He leans against the wall as Jared continues to lie half over the toilet.

“Yeah,” Jared says finally, before dropping his scrunched up tissue paper into the toilet and reaching forward to flush.

Jensen helps him off the floor, Jared’s fingers clasping at the front of Jensen’s shirt.

“Shit, man,” Jensen says, placing a hand over his chest. “You should take a shower. Brush your teeth.”

“Toothbrush is in my bag. In the truck.” He blinks a few times and looks around the room. “Where the fuck are we?”

Jensen laughs and shakes his head. “I have no idea man. Probably the other side of the city.”

Jared cracks a small smile at that and releases his grip on Jensen’s t-shirt as if he hadn’t realized he was still holding it. Jared’s hair is sticking up at odd angles, sleep-mussed and ruffled, and Jensen bites back on a smile and only just resists reaching out to run his fingers through it.

They both wander into the kitchen where Chris and Steve are sitting, Mike still asleep and snoring on the couch in the other room.

Steve serves up pancakes and Jensen eats a couple, tries to make Jared eat some, too. He knows it's bad when Jared's refusing food.

"Here you go, man," Chris says on a chuckle, dropping two white tablets in front of Jared. "Advil."

"Thank  _Christ_ ," he says, picking them up and dry-swallowing them. Jensen slides his glass of orange juice towards him across the table.

Chris smirks. "Just Chris is fine."

After breakfast, Chris lends them each a new toothbrush - “I have a hangover kit and they’re fucking _vital_ ,” - and once they’ve brushed their teeth and had quick showers, they’re both functioning a little better, and Jensen feels a lot more human.

They’re both eager to get back to the truck and onto the road, to leave the night and the city behind them and continue onwards.

“You gonna be able to find your way back?” Steve asks, once they've finished eating and are getting ready to leave.

“I’m sure we’ll manage,” Jensen says.

“Thanks for the hospitality,” Jared says, still looking pale and tired.

“Anytime,” Chris says, leaning against the doorframe. “Anytime you boys wanna paint the town red, you come knocking, alright?”

“Will do,” Jensen says, surprised at how much he’s warmed up to the guy in just the short time they’ve known each other.

Jared and Jensen turn to walk away, their shoulders brushing together as they walk side by side in the small corridor.

Jensen remembers enough to get them out of the neighborhood and onto the main streets, remembers certain stores and roads, and they stick close together with people brushing past them, dressed in suits on their way to work.

Jensen smokes while they dawdle along, Jensen not wanting to rush and Jared wearing Jensen’s sunglasses and making small groaning sounds whenever someone knocks against him. Jensen’s pretty sure Jared’s glaring at everyone from behind the dark shades.

“You look like shit,” Jensen offers as they wait at a crossing.

“Shut up, pretty boy,” Jared mumbles. “Not all of us can spend the entire night drinking and look like fucking male models the next day.”

“Hey, I did try and cut you off man,” Jensen says, grinning. They cross the road and Jared sticks close by him again, hands shoved into his jeans pockets. “I mean, granted, I probably should have done it around the time you asked whether you’d look good dressed as a nun, but you’re too much fun when you’re drunk.”

“Thanks a lot, Ackles,” Jared says. “I’ll remember this.”

Jensen laughs and throws his cigarette into a cigarette bin they pass. “You don’t remember shit from last night, don’t lie to me.”

“Oh, God,” Jared mumbles. They turn onto a different street and Jensen realizes where they are, relieved knowing they’re only a couple of minutes away now, and soon they can try getting out of the city in the hectic rush-hour traffic. “Did I do anything embarrassing?”

“You talked to a dog at one point. Like, full-on conversation. Its owner - some homeless man - thought you were nuts. I had to drag you away.”

“Oh no. That does sound like me,” Jared groans.

Jensen laughs. “Yeah. It was a pretty interesting moment.”

They fall into a comfortable silence as they walk towards the parking lot and past the diner they had dinner in the evening before.

They reach the truck and Jared groans in relief. “Finally.”

Jensen offers to drive and Jared gladly accepts, burrowing down in the passenger seat wearing his hoody, even though Jensen can tell it’s going to be another hot and sticky day.

He puts the music on low, Bob Dylan's  _The Times They Are A-Changing_ album as something to fill the silence in the car but soft enough to not bother Jared. The sky stretches out before them as they leave the city, the road stretching into the distance, miles of black tarmac beneath the sun.

He's not sure where they're supposed to be headed, decides instead to take random routes. It doesn't feel like even of them have a real destination, and so anywhere is as good as anywhere else. It takes longer to get out of LA than Jensen had anticipated, Jared sleeping through nearly two hours of traffic as Jensen slowly inches along and chooses quiet songs as a backdrop.

Around midday Jensen pulls up at the side of a quiet road, thankfully out of the city. Tall pines stretch above them, and in either direction beside the dusty road. They're driving past woodlands and forests, Jensen having needed to get the itchy city from his skin and find the space to breathe.

Jared wakes when Jensen cuts off the engine, slowly sitting up and blinking at Jensen with tired eyes.

"Where are we?" he asks, rolling down the window. He yawns and Jensen’s own yawn follows, grabbing a bottle of water and handing it over.

Jared takes it gratefully and unscrews the lid.

"Near some reserve, or state park or something. Somewhere near Bakersfield."

"State park? We going camping, Jen?"

"Shut up, idiot. You were asleep. I didn't know where you wanted to go."

A bird squawks in the distance, high above their heads, and Jensen peers through the window as a small black shape flashing through the trees.

He looks to Jared, who’s grinning at him, and Jensen raises his eyebrows in question.

“Nothing,” Jared says. “Come on.”

They get back on the road and Jared stays awake this time, back in control of the music and finally getting back to normal, keeping up a constant stream of chatter.

“I’m  _starving,_ ” Jared says, sometime around midday. Jensen’s feeling tired, ready for a break and to give Jared a chance to drive, and they pull over on the deserted stretch of road they’re on and rummage through the truck for food.

They manage to get a makeshift picnic together and sit on the grass verge to eat, sitting cross-legged with the stereo in the truck playing music and the window rolled down.

A fly buzzes around Jensen’s head and he swats at it, watches as it flies to Jared and then darts away.

“We should get some more food at some point,” Jared says, around his mouth of potato chips. “And gas. How are we doing?”

“Got enough for now,” Jensen says. “You wanna take over driving next?”

“Sure, Jared says. “We’ll take a look at the map. See where to park up tonight.”

“Maybe a place with a shower,” Jensen says.

“That’d be nice."

They settle side by side on the grass to relax before setting off again, and Jensen feels his stress and tiredness from his hangover and the night before slip away like vapor.

“What are you even looking for, man?” Jensen asks quietly, arms behind his head, staring up at the clouds as they slowly float past.

“I’ll know it, Jensen. I’ll know it when I see it. I’ll feel it’s right, you know?”

Jensen does know because he’s certain he’s already found it. The thought stings as soon as it’s there.

He brings his cigarette up to his lips and takes a long drag. It burns low and slow between his fingertips and he flicks it into the dry grass, watches as it burns out and the smoke disappears into the air.

_Shouldn’t smoke, Jensen. Come on, man, quit. For me, Jen?_

His fingers trace over the cigarette packet before he chucks it aside and puts his other hand behind his head.

Jared turns on his side to face him and Jensen turns his head, meeting his gaze. Jared’s wearing a soft, tender smile and Jensen smiles back.

“What are you doing out here, Jensen?” Jared asks, pulling blades of grass from the earth.

“I’m - with you,” Jensen says, the words splintered and coming out in bursts, like static. He clears his throat and tries again. “I’m out here with you, you dork. Couldn’t let my best friend go on a roadtrip by himself, right?”

Jared brushes a long blade of grass over Jensen’s bare arm. It tickles but Jensen doesn’t move, doesn’t want to break the connection they have, however flimsy and delicate it is.

“Right,” Jared says, still smiling. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“So am I,” Jensen says. Jared drops the blade of grass and rests the flat of his palm on Jensen’s chest.

Jensen lets out a slow breath and closes his eyes. He can feel the  _thump thump thump_ of his own heart beneath Jared's hand, is sure Jared must be able to feel it, too.

"We should get back on the road," Jared says softly, moving his hand away as if it had never been there at all.

"Yeah," Jensen says. "Yeah, okay."

They get up off the ground and get into the truck, Jared behind the wheel and Jensen with a map spread over his lap.

 

***


	4. Part 4

It takes two more hours of driving before they decide where to stop. They drive into Elk River State Park and look around at the deserted pitches, splashes of green tents between trees.

Jensen guesses this is where they're sleeping tonight.

“Jared?”

“Yes, Jensen.”

“We don’t have a tent.”

Jared turns to him with his signature grin and Jensen thinks it's stupid he expects them to adhere to the conventional norms of anything anymore. He shouldn't keep getting surprised by the boy beside him.

They wander through the trees, weaving their way around giant red oaks and past campervans and pitched tents. The sound of laughter filters through the woods beneath the sound of buzzing insects and they find themselves walking towards it, in an unspoken mutual decision.

The air feels fresher out here, free of the city, and Jensen feels like he can breathe easier in it, like the crunch of twigs and fresh Earth beneath his feet goes someway towards aligning his bones again. He’s a country boy - both of them are - and it feels right to be surrounding by nature.

They come across two pitched tents, an old, rusty car and the ashes of a campfire. There are two girls who are laughing, and both turn to grin when Jared and Jensen walk through the trees.

"Who have we here?" one of the girls says, walking towards them. Her lips are cherry pink, hair dyed red. "You two lost?"

"Looking for a place to camp for the night," Jared says. Jensen's standing close beside him, close enough to feel his body heat, and only moves when a fly buzzes towards him and he side-steps to avoid it.

"Yeah," Jensen says, gives her a smile. "Except we don't have tents."

The girls share a look and Jensen doesn't miss the way the red-haired girl smirks.

"Mi casa es su casa," the blonde says, spreading her arms out.

"You hear that, Jen?" Jared says, grabbing him by the hand and pulling him forward. "This is our casa."

Jared lets Jensen's hand fall as soon as Jensen's feet catch up and they head towards the girls by the ashes of the burnt-out campfire.

"Do we have new familia?" A boy sticks his head out from the tent, hair clinging to his forehead in the sticky heat.

"Misha," the blonde-haired girl says, "This is..."

"Jared," Jared offers, with a grin. "This is my buddy, Jensen."

"Hey," Jensen says, smiles, pulls a cigarette from behind his ear and slides it between his lips.

"I'm Katie," the blonde says.

"And I'm Danneel."

Jared tips his imaginary cowboy hat at them.

“It’s a pleasure,” Jensen says around the cigarette in his mouth, cups it as it flicks his zippo and lights it.

“It definitely is,” Katie says, and Jensen doesn’t miss the way Danneel looks over them both, eyes dark and appraising.

As the sun begins to set they collect more wood to get their fire started again, and it’s a sharp crackle by the time darkness falls. Misha cooks soup for them which tastes surprisingly nice (“Herbs. Imported. You cannot make a soup without  _herbs._ ”) and they sit around the fire, poking marshmallows on sticks and melting them in the flames.

"You boys up for some fun?" Danneel asks some time later, when they’ve already passed a bottle of whiskey around a few times.

At her words Misha pulls a baggie from his pocket and Katie grins, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear as she watches.

Jared’s gaze locks with Jensen and there’s a question in Jared’s eyes, and Jensen knows if he said no Jared would pass too, just because of his loyalty. The thought warms Jensen, and he shuffles a little closer along the ground towards Jared, gives a little nod, and a smile that Jared reciprocates.

“I’m up for it,” Jared says, and then Katie and Danneel’s eyes are on Jensen.

“Sure,” he says, and Misha smiles.

Misha’s fingers are quick and steady as he pulls out a king skin and places a filter between his lips. He gets out a wooden grinder from his pocket and rolls the joint, concentrating on balancing the weed and rolling paper on his knee, making sure none of it falls out. It’s a still night, no breeze in the air, and they’re all still in t-shirts and shorts, a strange, comfortable silence falling upon them as they watch Misha.

It doesn’t take long before he’s putting it between his lips and lighting it, closing his eyes as he takes a long exhale. He holds his breath for a few beats before slowly blowing it between his lips and passing it to Jared, who takes it and puts it between his lips.

Jensen feels something stir inside his stomach, didn’t realize how hot it would be to watch Jared as he takes a toke. His entire body is involved - his chest heaving, his lips sucking around the joint - and the pink, wet shine of his lips as he blows the air out again. The smell of cannabis is sticky in the air around them now, as if they’re in a cloud of it, and Jared offers Jensen the joint, watching him with soft eyes.

Jensen takes it and rolls the joint between his forefinger and thumb before placing it between his lips and taking a slow toke. He shuts his eyes as he does, allows himself to let go and relax into it. He blows a succession of three smoke rings into the air and watches as they disperse into the darkness.

“Show off,” he hears Jared mumble, and looks over to see Jared’s smiling at him, eyelids already heavy and lidded.

A drunk Jared is tactile, but a stoned Jared is downright  _handsy,_ and he’s already leaning up against Jensen’s side as if he can’t hold himself upright.

Danneel reaches for the joint and Jensen hands it over, Danneel smiling at him as she takes it.

“I can already feel it,” Jared says from beside him, and he’s close - almost  _too_ close - his breath hot against Jensen’s air.

Through the haze of the campfire smoke he can see Katie in Danneel’s lap, their lips locked together as if they’re kissing, and Jensen wonders when that happened. They pull apart slowly and laugh, Danneel holding the joint out to Misha who takes it with a lazy grin.

“Come on, Katie,” Misha says.

She shuffles towards him and Jensen watches through the darkness as the orange flames flicker and paint long shadows across their bodies. He can feel the warmth of Jared beside him, the press of their knees through denim, and he allows himself to lean against Jared a little bit more.

Misha takes a long drag and leans forward, Katie meeting him halfway. It takes a moment for the sight to process through the cotton-wool feeling of Jensen’s head. The smoke flows between their open mouths, which are close but not quite touching, and Jared grins and nudges him with his elbow.

“You wanna shotgun?” he asks with his wide, easy smile.

Heat curls low in his belly and he finds himself nodding before he has the chance to rationally think this over.

“Yeah,” he says, sounding breathless. His teeth gnaw into the flesh of his bottom lip as Jared take the joint between his forefinger and thumb.  He brings it up to his lips with his gaze locked on Jensen. Jensen swallows hard as he watches, feels the too-fast thump of his heart, like he’s getting palpitations from just watching.

Jared closes his eyes. Inhales. Jensen moves closer, his hand resting on Jared’s knee. He wouldn’t normally let himself get this close but he feels loose-limbed and relaxed, intoxicated by Jared’s warmth and the weed that’s thrumming through him, reaching every part of him, through his fingertips down to his toes.

Jared turns towards him and brings a hand up to cup the back of Jensen’s head, urging him closer. Their mouths come together in a hot press of lips, messy with teeth clinking together. Jensen’s not sure it should be this much like kissing - they’re being clumsy with it, a few centimeters too close - but he can’t pull himself away, not now.

The smoke curls around their tongues and Jensen laps it up, Jared's mouth hot and wet against his own. His heart feels like it’s beating faster and harder in his chest and his mind is swimming, floating, and he’s melting into Jared’s body heat, feeling himself uncurl.

It feels like they’re moving in slow motion, everything around them frozen while they share the hit, and then all too soon it’s over. They pull apart and Jensen can’t move his eyes from the curve of Jared’s pink, wet lips as he blows the smoke out of his own mouth, heat rushing through him.

Jensen looks over at the other three, expects their eyes to be on them, but Katie and Danneel are wrapped up in each other, talking close, and Misha’s already rolling another joint, tongue poking out the corner of his mouth as he concentrates.

Misha finishes rolling it and the new one comes around the circle again, and Jensen takes it when Jared passes it over.

“Do that thing,” Jared says, waving his hand as if he’s trying to draw the words he wants to say in the air. “With the smoke.”

“You mean--” Jensen takes a toke and then blows the smoke out his mouth, and then begins to inhale the smoke through his nose to make a continuous flow. Jared’s watching him with wide eyes, his mouth parted, and it makes a hot flush run through Jensen.

He finally blows out the smoke and hands it towards Danneel who’s also watching him.

“That was hot,” she says, before putting the joint between her lips.

“Irish Waterfall,” Misha says from his spot on the grass. “Someone’s done this before.”

“Once or twice,” Jensen says.

They continue to pass around the joint until its burnt out, and they relax, boneless and sated around the fire. Misha stands up slowly, on unsure legs, to tell them he's heading to bed.

As if that's a signal for everyone else to be tired, Jared yawns and Katie stands up too, stretching as she does.

Jared and Jensen also stand up to stretch and decide on their own sleeping arrangements for the night.

Jensen's standing by the campfire when someone comes up close beside him, and Jensen tries to think straight through the haze in his head, keep his eyes open when all he wants is to fall asleep.

“Jensen,” Danneel says, pressing the length of her body against his and smiling, teeth flashing in the darkness. “Do you want to spend the night in our tent? Get to know each other a little better?”

She whispers it against his skin and then pulls back with a teasing smile. He looks over and notices Katie smiling at them. Jensen lets out a slow breath and looks back to Danneel.

“I, uh. I don’t think so,” he says, and laughs, nervously. The weed is still thrumming through him, making him feel slow like his thoughts are syrup.

Danneel leans closer and runs a hand down his arm. Out of the corner of his eye he catches sight of Jared, who’s watching with an amused expression on his face.

“You sure?” she whispers, her fingers curling around his wrist.

“Yeah,” he breathes out, pulling back slightly. She gives him another smile and takes a step back, and Jensen feels he can breathe easier.

He feels a heavy weight against him and looks up to see Jared with his arm around his shoulders and pulling him against his body.

“What Jensen is  _trying_ to say is he’s flattered, really, but he's more of a no-boobs and dick kind of guy.”

Jensen looks at him, unamused, and Jared grins back at him. Danneel laughs a little, tucks a piece of hair behind her ear.

“That’s too bad,” she says.

"Sorry," Jensen says, around a yawn. "I'm gonna just go to sleep."

She nods at him, gives a little smile and heads over to her tent where Katie is still standing.

"Jay, you shouldn't have done that," Jensen says, shrugging out from beneath Jared's arm.

"What?" Jared asks. "What did I do?"

"I just-- don't like everyone knowing," Jensen says, feeling uncomfortable.

Jared stares at him for a long moment and Jensen watches as his Adam's apple bobs as he swallows.

"Sorry, Jen."

"Don't worry about it," Jensen says, ready to drop onto the grass and make up bed there. "Let's just go to sleep."

Jared gives him one more soft smile before heading over near the fire and settling down on the grass.

Jensen follows and figures it's a good a place as any other to sleep, and the night is still warm, the grass a comfortable softness beneath his body.

He can feel the heavy, coiling sensation of the weed as it curls around his bones, settles there and makes him feel sated. Jared’s humming something beside him, and Jensen starts to hum along, seems to know it even if he can’t place it.

Jensen reaches forward and tucks a piece of Jared’s hair behind his ear. It’s gotten long, sticking to his forehead in the humidity of the night and Jared stops humming, turns his head towards him.

Jensen drops his hand and Jared smiles at him in the darkness.

“Your hair,” Jensen says, swallowing. “It was just sticking to your forehead, I--”

“I liked it,” Jared says in a low, soft voice. It’s quiet enough that Jensen has to strain to hear it over the crackle of the fire.

It takes a few moments for the words to get past the heaviness in his mind before he realizes what Jared said.“You liked it?”

“I like you touching my hair,” Jared says, letting his eyes drift close. “Feels nice.”

Jensen reaches forwards and rakes his fingers through Jared’s hair, gentle and slow. Jared sighs and begins to hum again.

He shuffles closer along the ground until he’s leaning over Jared, staring down at his face. Jared opens his eyes and smiles lazily up at Jensen.

“Hi,” he says.

“Hi,” Jensen replies. He drops his head on Jared’s chest and Jared’s hand comes up to palm the back of his head, holding him there. It feels nice, Jared’s chest warm and moving in a steady rhythm beneath him as he breathes.

He lets out a happy, content sigh and relaxes against him, slipping into sleep, lulled by Jared’s breathing.

***


	5. Part 5

Jensen wakes up the next morning with the rise of the sun. It’s colder than it was last night, and he instinctively moves closer, before he realizes with a sickening turn of his stomach what he’s doing. He pulls back with a start and lands on the ground, rolling on his side as Jared blinks awake and turns to stare at him, looking pale and tired.

“Oh,” Jensen breathes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.”

“It’s okay,” Jared says, suddenly awake, blinking more rapidly now. “You were fucked, Jen--”

“Yeah,” Jensen says, swallowing. “Yeah, we both were.”

They land in an uncomfortable silence before Jared breaks it with a short laugh, rubbing his eyes with his hand.

“I can’t believe we slept outside on the ground. Again.”

"Shit," Jensen says, sitting up. "I'm gonna feel this later."

"You're an old man," Jared quips, sitting up, too.

Just like that they've slipped back into a comfortable atmosphere and Jensen's glad the awkwardness has passed.

"Rise and shine, boys," Katie calls, stepping out of her tent.

Jared and Jensen both turn to say hi to her, and slowly the other two are poking their heads out and stepping out into the morning sunshine.

They make breakfast, brush their teeth and have quick shaves, getting ready to leave.

“Do you two want to stick around? Or are you getting back on the road?” Misha asks.

“We’re going to keep moving,” Jared says. “Thanks for last night though, guys. Really.”

“See you, boys!” Katie says, slipping a hand around Danneel’s waist.

“Bye!” They both call over their shoulders, and it’s not long until they’ve disappeared from sight and laughter and happiness is rising through the trees behind them, getting quieter the farther Jared and Jensen go.

They walk back to the truck and Jared unlocks his door before throwing the keys to Jensen.

Jared gets behind the wheel of the truck and they get comfortable, rolling down the windows and sorting out the radio, Jensen passing the keys back over. Jared turns on the engine and Jensen slips on his shades, the day already getting hot.

“Wait,” Jared says, abruptly cutting off the engine and undoing his seatbelt. “We haven’t left our mark!”

He turns to Jensen with a grin before jumping out the truck and rooting through their bags to find Jensen’s penknife. Jensen huffs a laugh and jumps onto the dusty ground, walking towards the nearest tree and running a hand over the bark.

Jared walks on over with the penknife in hand and looks up at the tree.

“You want this one?” he asks, slapping his hand on the bark.

“Sure,” Jensen says.

Jared flashes a grin at him and then leans forward, pressing the blade into the tree to make his  _J._

He passes the penknife over and Jared does the same until there are two Js side by side.

 

They get back onto the road and continue driving onwards, stopping for gas and food breaks along the way. 

When night falls they decide to rough it again to save money, and park up in a quiet parking lot in the middle of nowhere.

Jensen makes up the back of the truck with blankets and clothes, so it’s soft and comfortable to lie on.

They rest in a peaceful silence for a few minutes, staring up at the sky, bright starts starting to scatter across the inky black darkness.

“There are startling moments in life, right?” Jared says, and Jensen turns his head towards him, listening. “There probably aren’t that many. Like when your kid is born, or when you get married, or when you figure out you’re gay or whatever.”

Jensen snorts. “Yeah, that was pretty startling.”

Jared rolls his eyes but there’s a smile on his face. “I always think for every big, meaningful moment in life there’s a song to go with it.”

_You’re my best friend._

_I don’t think there’s anyone quite like you, Jay._

_Shut up, you love me. You know you do._

Jensen gives a half-smile and asks, “What big moments have you got music for, then?”

“I’m working on them,” Jared says, with a grin. “And when they happen? I’ll know.”

Jensen’s sure Jared doesn’t even know what he’s searching for. It's enough, for now, to be beside each other on another long stretch of open road.

He sits up a little and says, “Okay. Right now. If you were to pick a song for right now, what would it be?”

“Man, I could make an entire playlist right now. I’m going to cheat. I’m going to say  _Seasick Steve._ ”

“Who’s that?”

Jared smiles. “I’ll show you, sometime. I think you’d like him.”

Jensen would like a playlist made by Jared, someday. He hopes that their adventure will cause a few meaningful moments of its own.

He falls asleep next to Jared and slips into dreams.

 

***

 

His shoes are scuffed and his shorts are frayed and too short above his knees. He’s five years old and he has the widest smile with no front teeth.

_Wanna play?_

They become fast friends and soon inseparable, where it's always Jared&Jensen and Jensen&Jared.

They're there for each other’s new experiences, failures, successes, and when they need the comfort of a friend.

One time, in particular, is often on Jensen's mind.

There's sweat on the tips of his fingers and palms, wiped over his denim-clad thighs. He lets out a deep breath and tells himself  _I can do this I can do this I can do this._

He runs a hand over his face, takes another deep breath, and knocks on the front door. He waits. The door is pulled open and he’s met with a grin, and a tornado of energy that sucks him inside.

_You okay, Jen?_

He’s planned this out and he’s spent weeks agonizing over it and Jared is the first he’s going to tell, and he’s got to do this right, got to--

_I’m gay._

Shit. His fingers are trembling and his chest hurts and he can’t do this anymore. He takes a step backwards and he’s surrounded by silence now, knows he’s in the calm of the storm and it’s about to erupt.

He opens his mouth but he can’t make any sound come out, and Jared steps forward with a frown. 

_Don’t freak out, man. It’s okay. Jen? Jensen? Dude, did you fucking kill somebody? Because if it’s just that then it doesn’t warrant a freakout like this. Have we got to bury a body?_

The words slowly start to sink in, and Jensen can’t help it, and he’s shaking, his entire body shaking with laughter and Jared’s staring at him like he’s crazy. His best friend has just asked him whether he needs help burying a body and everything is fucking peachy.

He pulls Jared close for a hug and Jared squeezes him tight, with a few slaps to the back that tell Jensen more than words could.

Telling his family doesn’t go so well. He waits two weeks before high school ends, when irreparable damage won’t have long to sink its teeth into his life and cause more pain than he can handle.

Telling them at all was a mistake.

As soon as the words have left his mouth the house is ablaze, anger like fuel that’s in plentiful supply. His mother blames herself and his father calls him a deviant.

_We love you, Jensen. But we can’t love your decision. You have a choice, and I am making myself very clear: you may only stay under this roof if you give up your alternative lifestyle and choose the right path--_

He tears out of the house like thunder to prevent adding salt to his wounds.

His feet carry him to a refuge where he’s welcomed by open arms and pulled tight against his protective chest.

_It’s okay, Jen. It’s okay. We love you. It’s okay._

He takes a deep breath and nods, not trusting his voice to project his thoughts.

Jensen found a home in Jared that day.

 

***

They hit Summerland the next day at 11am and it's already vibrant and alive, teenage girls running past with the wind in their hair, air like gritty salt, sun simmering down. It feels like they're constantly chasing the heat, and for a fleeting moment Jensen wishes they were heading to Alaska, North Dakota, Wyoming. Somewhere cooler. 

Then Jared is jumping out of the truck, slipping his shirt off and tucking it into the waistband of his jeans like he always does. Jensen watches a trickle of sweat roll down the centre of Jared’s back.

He pulls out his packet of cigarettes and jumps out of the truck.

"Where to, Sasquatch?" Jensen asks around the cigarette he's trying to light.

"Anywhere, everywhere."

It's a typical Jared-answer, and Jensen takes a moment to enjoy the first drag, smoke slipping out from between his lips, before replying.

"Where to first, then?"

Jared runs his fingers through his hair and stares over at Jensen, studies him, and Jensen feels like an ant beneath a giant magnifying glass. He slips a finger beneath the collar of his shirt and tugs.

"I think we should go and see the sea," Jared says. "Get an ice cream in a little cafe. Get a postcard to send back home."

Home. Texas. It's strange how Jensen doesn't think of those two words as the same thing anymore. How he associates home with something different, now.

“Lead the way.”

They walk towards the direction of the ocean, stopping on the way to buy ice creams to eat in the sticky heat.

Jared’s tongue curls around his blue ice cream and he grins in the sunshine, ice cream smeared across his lips.

“Sunny California!” he declares, raising his ice cream high above his head.

“Dude, it’s dripping in your hair,” Jensen says, and Jared groans as he brings the melting ice cream to his lips and licks the blue trail that’s dripping down his hand.

Jensen laughs at him and they walk across the busy sidewalk down to the sandy beach. The wide, blue surf is spread in front of them and Jensen breathes for a moment to take in the sight.

“ _Summer Days_ by Bob Dylan,” Jared says, a soft smile on his face as he studies the scene in front of them. “Standing on a beach with my best friend and ice cream in my hair. Definitely Bob Dylan.”

Jensen wants to say,  _Here I Love You._ He wants to quote  _My Love is Building A Building._

“ _Sonnet Nine_  by Pablo Neruda,” Jensen says instead, settling for something safe. “No question.”

They look at each other and share a smile.

Without saying anything they both walk towards the ocean, stopping once they’re at the water’s edge.

Jensen stares at the way Jared’s hair whips around his face, the salty sea air causing it to tangle, and the way he chucks his head back and laughs as if he doesn’t have a care in the world.

Jensen watches him and he smiles.

“I’m happy,” Jared says, turning to Jensen. “Happy to be on this roadtrip with you, Jen.”

Jensen grins. “I’m happy, too.” 

Jensen leans down and traces a J in the wet sand, and Jared kneels down next to him, drawing his own.

They step back and admire their mark, both of them with wet, sandy patches on their knees.

The water gently laps at the letters until it washes them completely away.

 

***


	6. Part 6

They decide to treat themselves and book a cheap motel room for a couple of nights, which ends up being only a five minute drive from the ocean.

Jensen sinks down onto the bed with a sigh and shuts his eyes, enjoying the feeling of something softer than grass beneath him.

“I’m in heaven,” Jared says, from his equally blissed-out position on the other bed.

Jensen murmurs in assent.

Once they’ve both showered and freshened up they head back out to find a place to have some dinner. They end up at a busy diner a few minutes’ walk from their motel, and they sit at a booth together by the window.

“We should go back to the beach after this,” Jared says. "I want to see the sea again."

“Sounds good to me,” Jensen agrees.

Jared’s stomach rumbles and Jensen cocks an eyebrow, smirking. “Hungry, Jay?”

“Yeah, on second thought? Let’s eat first.”

 

***

“Who would have thought we’d actually do this?” Jared asks, once they’re sat in a small beachside cafe, twirling his straw around his milkshake. “I mean we talked about it for years. I’d always tell mom that I’m going on this  _great adventure with Jensen_ and she’d sort of smile at me in the way moms do.”

Jensen thinks of his own mom back home and he has trouble plastering on a smile to meet Jared’s.

Jared’s smile dims, and he frowns, hand stilling around the straw. “Jen? What’s up?”

“Nothing, Jay,” Jensen says, before taking a sip of his own drink to stall. “I’m good. I’m happy out here.”

Jared studies him for a few moments before he smiles again, wide and easy, and Jensen’s own smile feels less strained after that.

“Good. I’m happy, too. If you did wanna go back… you’d say though, right?"

“Yeah,” Jensen says, smiling at him. “Yeah, I would.”

Their food arrives and their talk dissolves to make way for the sound of cutlery scraping on plates and Jared as he moans around the burger in his mouth.

Jensen tries to focus on his own meal, feels half turned-on at the sounds Jared is making and half ashamed that Jared eating a  _burger_ is getting him hard.

Jared is too oblivious to notice and Jensen is glad when they get out of there and he can breathe easier again, Jared leading the way to the beach.

 

 

***

It’s a game they created in hot summer evenings drinking out of a warm bottle of whiskey. They’d sit in the long grass on their fronts and face each other, sweat dripping down their backs and over the curves of their shoulders.

They mimic it now, stretched out together on the sandy beach.

“ _There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it_.”

Jared laughs and shakes his head. Jensen grins back at him and takes a sip of the bottle.

“Okay -  _I've got to put a call to you, 'cause I feel good tonight and everything's gonna be right._ "

Jensen takes another swig of the bottle and hands it over to Jared before answering. “ _If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.”_

Jared frowns and Jensen gets an uncomfortable stirring in his gut at the look.

“Jen?” he asks, gentle. “You really think that way?”

“It’s just a quote, Jared,” Jensen says quietly. He laughs, but it sounds empty. “Plath, right? Depressing shit.”

"Well I counter your depressing shit with,  _I get by with a little help from my friends."_

 Jensen smiles at him. "I guess that is a pretty good counter."

"See, Jensen. The Beatles  _know._ " 

Jensen laughs. “Okay, yeah. The Beatles.” 

Jared grins. 

They wander slowly back to their motel room, Jensen feeling pleasantly tipsy, the fresh air helping to sober him up as they walk.

In the comfortable silence, he reflects on the roadtrip so far and contemplates his feelings for the guy next to him. The love he feels for him not just in the romantic sense, but as a friend, and how grateful he is that they can share this together.

When they get back to the motel room, Jensen settles down onto his bed to relax, and kicks off his shoes.

He tries to close his eyes, to fully leave his anxieties behind, but he can’t stop thinking about his parents.

He can’t stop thinking about the way he’d bolted out of there, a fire in his chest, and the comfort he found from Jared and his family. The day plays over and over in his mind, and stays there like heavy stones in the bottom of his stomach. He regrets telling them, feels guilty almost. He knew it was a bad idea, all along he’d known.

Unfortunately, Jensen is apparently more transparent than he thought he was.

“You’re down,” Jared states.

Jensen doesn’t want to answer. He sits up and lets his legs hang off the edge of the bed, feet planted on the floor. He considers trying to steer the conversation away from him, thinks about trying to distract Jared, maybe ask him where they’re going next. He’s desperate to not have to talk about himself.

“I’m okay,” Jensen says. He tries a smile but he’s sure it falls flat if the way Jared’s frown deepens is anything to go by.

“Wanna try that again?” Jared asks. His voice is gentle, and Jensen has always found it next to impossible to deny his best friend anything.

“I’m just thinking of home,” he says.

“You wanna go back?” Jared asks. He’s reaching a hand out, is squeezing Jensen’s shoulder. There’s so much concern in his eyes that Jensen’s not sure how he can continue speaking. 

“No,” he says, around the lump in his throat. “No, I meant my parents. I was thinking about my parents.”

Jensen can feel the way the atmosphere in the room changes, how the air gets thinner and harder to breathe.

Jared moves over to his bed and sits beside him. “You want to talk about it?”

Jared’s voice is quiet in a way that it almost never is, and his eyes are gentle, bright, concerned. Jensen feels his cheeks burn at being the center of attention like this but already the hurt is bubbling up his chest, his windpipe, waiting for a chance of escape.

“I don’t understand,” Jensen says finally, almost a whisper. “I love them, Jay. They’re my  _family._ ”

“I know,” Jared says, just as quiet.

“I feel pretty bad,” Jensen says, throwing the words out into the quiet room. “I split up my family, Jay. Just because I’m --  because it’s wrong, or whatever. I didn’t  _mean_ to be like this or to do this or to hurt them.”

His voice fades at the end and he runs a hand over the back of his neck, self-conscious, unable to meet Jared’s eyes. Jared is quiet beside him.

When Jared does speak, it’s with such conviction that Jensen can’t look away. He’s words are soft but they’re strong, determination in his eyes as if by saying them they’re becoming fact.

“You listen to me, okay? There’s nothing wrong with you, man. There’s nothing wrong with you, Jensen. You’re perfect. Your parents… I  _know_ they still love you. They just need some time.”

Jensen swallows, his throat feeling like it’s constricting. Jared reaches his hand out and rests it on Jensen’s shoulder, gives it a tight squeeze.

“He told me I had to make a choice,” Jensen says. “But I can’t, Jared. This isn’t something you choose.”

“I know, Jen,” Jared says softly, worrying at his bottom lip. “I know.” 

“I feel so guilty,” Jensen mutters, choking on the words, feeling as they scratch his throat on the way up. His chest hurts and his mind feels fuzzy and numb and he doesn’t want to do this, looks down and blinks against the stinging of his eyes. 

“Hey, no. Look at me, Jensen. Look at me.” Jared’s fingers slip beneath Jensen’s chin and gently tip his head back up until their eyes are locked. “You have  _nothing_ to feel guilty about, you understand me? Jesus, Jensen,  _never_ apologize for who you are. Don’t fucking change a thing about yourself man, and don’t wish you could. You’re my best friend and I love you, and don’t you dare go thinking you’re not good enough, alright?”

Jared’s staring at him, waiting for him to answer. The words roll over and over in his mind and the only thing he can keep thinking is  _I’m falling for you over and over, deeper and deeper in love._  

Jensen nods, finally, and absently wipes beneath his eyes before squeezing his eyes shut. Jared pulls him against his chest and Jensen goes willingly, wraps his own arms around Jared’s back as Jared’s go around him. Jared smells of salt and sea and sunshine, and Jensen allows himself a moment to let go and  _breathe_ him in _._ To imagine.

To imagine being wrapped up in Jared’s arms in the dark of the night, sweat-slick, warm bodies, sheets twisted around them like a cocoon, tired, lidded-eyes smiling at each other in the soft glow of the morning sunshine.

 Jensen’s head hurts like it’s packed full of cotton-wool, and he tries to pull back, only for Jared’s arms to tighten around him again, Jared’s hand rubbing comfortingly over his back.   

“Thanks,” Jensen croaks out, his voice sounding like it’s broken and unused. He clears his throat and tries again. “Thanks, Jay.”

When Jensen does finally pull back he looks over Jared’s face and stills. He reaches a hand up to rest on Jared’s upper-arm and runs his thumb there, back and forth. “You’re crying,” he says. “Why -- why are you crying?”

Jared wipes at his eyes with the sleeve of his other arm and shrugs. “Don’t like seeing you upset,” he mumbles.

Jensen smiles and shakes his head. “You’re a dork.” 

Jared laughs, still wiping at his eyes and he nods. “Yeah. Yeah, maybe.”

They sit together for a long moment without saying anything.

Jensen breaks the silence by saying, “Hey, how about we stay in tonight? I don’t mind dipping into my food money to splash out on the motel for tomorrow night. I kind of like it here.” 

“We can go halves,” Jared proposes. “Because that sounds like a really good idea.”

They get the money together and head towards the front desk to pay for the following night, before heading back and settling in for the evening.

In the corner of their motel room is a tiny television that Jared manages to get his iPod connected to. The mood is relaxed and mellow, and Jared puts on a playlist and just lets it run through. They sit together on Jensen’s bed and Jensen fiddles with his zippo, tries to keep his hands busy to distract himself from the fact he wants to buy some more cigarettes.

“Remember Chad?” Jared asks from where he’s lying next to Jensen, sharing Jensen’s pillow. 

“Yeah,” Jensen says. “Wonder what he’s up to now.”

“Probably chasing girls,” Jared says.

Jensen snorts. “Probably.”

“Danneel so wanted to get with you,” Jared says.

“I think it would have been more of a threesome kind of deal. Katie looked pretty into it, too.”

Jared laughs. “Yeah.”

And then, “I liked them.”

“So did I,” Jensen says. “Although I don’t think I’m smoking weed ever again.”

“Good call,” Jared says.

They fall into a comfortable silence and listen to Jared’s playlist until it finally ends, silence filling the room.

Jared gets up to go change it and Jensen requests, “Something relaxed.”

Jensen watches as Jared spends a minute flicking through his songs to find something right. 

“You want relaxed?” Jared asks, once he’s chosen something. “I was going to go for some Floyd, but I’m thinking this.”

The song starts to play, and Jensen remembers it from one of Jared’s driving playlists.  _Actress_ by Steady Sun. Jensen smiles at him.

“There’s this book,” Jensen says. “Called  _Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas._ It’s about these two guys in search of the American Dream.”

“Like us,” Jared says.

Jensen smirks. “Yeah. Except with us there are less strippers, less drugs, and less crime involved.” 

“Give us time, Jensen,” Jared says.

Jensen smiles at him.

Jared gets up again to choose the next song and Jensen continues to fiddle with his lighter, thinks about finding a store to buy some cigarettes.

“This one’s special,” Jared says, walking back over to sit down next to Jensen.

“Special?” Jensen asks. Teasingly, he says, “What’s the huge meaning behind this song? What are you gonna get excited about over this one?”

Jared turns to him and he grins. “It’s really simple. I just like how it sounds. It makes me want to listen to it over and over. I don’t think I’d ever get tired of it.” 

“Yeah?” Jensen asks, listening a little closer, trying to make out the words. They jumble and blur into each other, as they slur over the acoustic guitar, and it sounds beautiful, even if Jensen’s not really sure what it’s about. 

“Yeah,” Jared says. “And I put this song on for you.”

Jared says it nonchalantly, and Jensen freezes up at the words, his fingers stilling around the zippo.  He looks at Jared who’s sitting close to him, almost too close.

“What?” Jensen says, feeling his voice get stuck in his throat. “Why is this song for me?”

"They're my favorite band," Jared says, and then suddenly they’re only a few inches apart, breath ghosting too-close between them. 

"Yeah?" Jensen asks, frozen beneath Jared’s stare.

"And you're my favorite person," Jared says, as if he’s just stating fact. Jensen knows, abstractly, that they’re best friends, that there’s no other person he’d rather spend time with, but the air is charged with something different and he’s much too afraid to examine it.

Jensen swallows and then Jared is pulling back, eyes wide and shocked. He stands up like he’s been burned and grabs his keys, his wallet. 

“What are you doing?” Jensen asks, feeling like his heart is beating hard enough to fly out of his chest. He feels anxious, nauseated, unsure if he’s able to stand. 

“I need to - go for a walk,” Jared says, not meeting Jensen’s eyes. “I’m sorry, man, I just need to get some fresh air. I won’t be long.”

Jensen watches without comprehending as Jared walks out of the motel room and the door slams behind him.

He’s still staring at the door a couple of minutes later, too much in a daze to make sense of anything.

Frustrated, he slips on his shoes, grabs his jacket and heads out the door.

***


	7. Part 7

Jensen throws the money onto the counter and picks up the box of cigarettes, pulling off the plastic wrapping and putting one between his lips as soon as he’s outside.

He lights it and takes a slow drag, both hating the fact he’s smoking and relieved at the same time. Thinks he’ll have to go about quitting sometime. 

He walks slowly back to the motel room, taking time to glance in store windows and to watch the people that pass him. There’s a couple entwined in each other leaning against a brick wall and Jensen skirts around them, keeps his eyes downcast and picks up the pace a little to get back. 

He stops in the motel car park. Inside their room the light is on and Jared’s truck is back.

He finishes his cigarette and crushes it against the ground, considers staying out here for a while longer before biting the bullet and pushing the door open.

Jared stands up as soon as he’s through the door and Jensen stands there awkwardly, not sure what to say.

Jensen comes forward and stops a few meters away, head ducked a little and his shoulders slumped. His demeanor alone feels like a kick to the gut, and Jensen wants to step forward and tell him to forget about all of this, that everything is okay and Jensen isn’t mad.

Jared shifts from foot to foot and Jensen realizes there’s something in his hand.

“I’m sorry,” Jared says, holding a book out, his arm wavering in the air. He swallows hard and he looks pale, tired, dark shadows beneath his eyes.

Jensen’s not sure what he should do, why Jared’s got a book in his hands or where he even managed to get it at eleven at night. He’s not sure what any of this means, but he’s reaching out and taking the book before he’s even realized he’s made his decision.

_The Catcher In The Rye_. Jensen’s not sure why Jared chose this one, but it feels like more than just a ratty book in his hands.

“You know I fucking hate Holden Caulfield, right?”

There’s a pause where Jared’s just staring at him, eyebrows drawn tight, before a grin breaks out on his face and Jensen can feel himself mirroring it. Jared lets out a relieved breath and nods, just once and almost imperceptible, but it’s like he’s accepting Jensen is going to be an asshole about this and yet knows he’s been forgiven.

“Are you okay now, Jared?” Jensen asks.

Jared meets his eyes. “Yeah, Jensen. I just needed a moment to clear my head. I’m good now. I’m great, even.”

“Good,” Jensen says.

Jensen flicks through the pages of his new book, and sits down on his bed to get comfortable.

***

Jensen and Jared both sleep in the next morning, getting up just before twelve and taking advantage of the shower and roof above their heads. 

After grabbing some food, they decide to go back to the beach. It's only when they see sight of the ocean that they reconsider their decision, looking warily up at the heavy, dark clouds that are rolling in.

A water droplet lands on Jensen's  face and he tilts his head back, looking up at the overcast sky. It’s humid like it always is before a thunderstorm, the air thick, clouds dark and threatening above them. He takes a deep breath and reaches his hands out, palms facing upwards to catch the raindrops as they fall. 

Jared nudges his shoulder with his own and turns to face Jared, who’s smiling at him.

Jensen’s got a coiling urge stirring deep within in him, something terrifying and electric. He’s afraid it will leap out without him being able to control it. He’s afraid he’ll take Jared’s face between both hands and  _kiss_ him right here on this beach in the rain.

Instead, he runs. 

He runs across the sand, the wind blowing through his hair that’s getting longer, beginning to curl behind his ears. His t-shirt ripples in wind, and he grins as he hits the water, splashing through the waves as the rain gets heavier.

“Jensen! Jensen what the fuck are you doing?”

Jared’s voice is almost lost to the sound around him, coming from somewhere behind him on the beach and Jensen feels like he’s been set free, like a bird escaped from its tiny cage. 

He turns to Jared with a grin, the rain sounding like bullets around him as it hits the waves.

Jared isn’t standing still anymore, but running across the sand, screaming at the top of his lungs. He splashes through the shallows and swims out towards Jensen with a grin on his face.

The waves move Jensen from side to side and he treads water, can just reach the sand if he points his toes down, feels  _free._

“You are insane, Jensen Ackles,” Jared breathes, when he reaches him. “Absolutely  _insane._ ”

They’re both fully clothed, treading water in the ocean while it rains down around them and Jensen can’t wipe the grin off his face.

Jared splashes him and he laughs as the water comes up and covers him, splashes back at Jared who has an unfair advantage, still able to reach the ocean floor where they stand. 

Suddenly they’re close; too close. The smile has gone from Jared’s face and he’s watching Jensen carefully, like he’s seeing something new for the first time.

A droplet of rain trickles down Jared’s lips and his mouth opens the smallest amount. The rain continues to fall down around them and Jensen shivers.

“We should--”

“Yeah,” Jared says, nodding. “Yeah, we should swim back.”

 Neither of them are moving, Jensen still treading water beneath the rain as they stare at each other.

A clap of thunder jolts them from their staring and they make a move through the water. They start to swim back, Jensen lagging behind a little as the waves roll and crash against him. Without saying anything, Jared swims close and slips his arm through Jensen’s to help pull him along.

They finally make it onto the damp sand and Jensen heaves himself forward. His clothes feel heavy and weighted and he’s soaked, continuing to get wet as the rain falls.

He’s shivering as they plod along the beach, Jared beside him. They’re wet, cold, and it's still raining, but Jensen’s smiling as they walk across the sand.

The journey back to the motel is uncomfortable, feels longer than it was before, and they get a few odd looks as their clothes stick to their skin, dripping from head to toe.

They both breathe, relieved, in the middle of the room once they’re back, thunder and lightning filling up the skies outside. Jared lets Jensen take first shower and he’s quick, dresses in an old band t-shirt and some jeans before letting Jared have his turn. 

After re-stocking on food and gas they get back onto the road, carrying on towards their last destination.

"Let's go to San Francisco."

***

It takes five hours to drive there, and Jared falls in love with San Francisco, with the Golden Gate Bridge, the Bay. With the electric nightlife and the vibrant streets. It's already dark and Jared is itching to get out there and experience it.

 “How about we go clubbing? I mean, we’re only going to be out on our great adventure for a few more days, maybe a week. Let’s do it right, Jen.” 

They've only been in San Francisco an hour and they're at a pizza place sharing a large pepperoni between them, Jared throwing his fantastical ideas into the air and Jensen trying to grab hold of them and bring them down to earth. 

“Jared, we’re not twenty-one. And we don’t have fake IDs.”

“Nobody is gonna ask if we go to the right place,” Jared says. “Trust me, Jeff used to go all the time before he turned twenty-one.”

 "In San Francisco?"

Jared shrugs and takes another bite of pizza, still eyeing Jensen with bright, excited eyes.

Jensen relents, gives a half shrug. “We can try if you really want to.” 

Jared finished his slice of pizza and throws a fist in the air to celebrate.

"Hey, maybe we can go to a gay club," Jared says, and then winks.

"No," Jensen says, not sure if it’s supposed to be a joke or not, struggling to speak past the thumping in his chest.

“Don’t worry about it, Jen, we’ll go to some shitty club where nobody even asks. It’ll be fun.”

"Just, some normal club, then. Some shitty place where nobody will ask for ID and drinks are cheap."

 Jared nods at him again, his hair, now long and messy, flopping around his face. "Sounds good to me."

***

They go back to the truck and sit in the front, Jared revealing his seemingly never-ending stash of liquor.

 “Shots,” Jared says, pulling out a bottle of vodka and some shot glasses. 

“Where the hell do you keep getting all of this alcohol from?” Jensen says, pulling the bottle off of him. 

“I’ve had it all since Texas, Jen,” Jared says, lining up a row of six shot glasses along the dashboard. “Now start pouring.”

 “Jesus, you never told me you brought an entire bar with you,” Jensen says, filling up the shot glasses.

“Three for you,” Jared says, sliding them across towards Jensen once he’s finished pouring, “and three for me.”

They swallow the first one together and Jensen pulls a face, remembers how much he doesn’t fucking like vodka. He looks over at Jared to see he’s pulling the same face and Jensen grins before picking up the second one and throwing it back, Jared following close behind.

The clink their last ones together and then drink them down, slamming them onto the table. 

“Why did we do that?” Jared complains. 

“I fucking hate vodka,” Jensen says.

“I know.”

 They both get out of the truck and start walking into the city night. 

***


	8. Part 8

The club they end up at isn’t so much a club as it is a bar with a dance floor, and it doesn’t take anything more than the person at the door to look up at Jared with bored eyes to get waved through.

Jared gives him a thumbs up once they’re in and Jensen gives him a disbelieving look, although it’s spoilt by the smile he can’t keep off his face. How anyone thought Jared was old enough to drink with floppy hair and dimples is beyond him.

They grab a table near the back and slip down into the booth, Jared getting his wallet out of his pocket and a crumpled twenty to buy them drinks.

A few girls glance over and turn away, and Jensen feels a warmth flood through him at the idea that perhaps people see them as a couple, that maybe Jared would like the idea, too. 

Jared goes to the bar and comes back with two beers that they quickly get through, conversation stilled by the thumping of the music. 

Jared shouts to him, asks if he's having a good time.

Then there's a girl leaning up against the table, with dark hair and dark eyes, and Jensen's lost Jared's attention.

"Hi," he says, all smiles and dimples, and Jensen feels something stir sour and acidic in his gut. 

"Hey," she shouts over the music, leaning forward. The lights flash over her face, making her look distorted, all angles and shadows. Jensen takes a few mouthfuls of his drink.

"I'm Genevieve," she says, as if that's supposed to mean something to them. "I was wondering, if you're not in the middle of something... if you wanted to dance?"

Jared's eyes immediately find Jensen's and a wave of relief surges through him, calming the electric sparks that are hot beneath his skin.

"I'd love to."

It takes a moment for Jensen to realize that Jared isn't talking to him, isn't even looking at him anymore. Jared stands up, gives Jensen a quick grin and follows her into the mass of hot, writhing bodies.

Fuck. Jensen feels like crawling out of his skin, anger warring with some new emotion, something that tells him he shouldn't have been so foolish. Shouldn't have expected what he was never going to get, shouldn't have allowed the touches and the brushes of skin and electricity between them to mean anything. It didn’t mean anything.

Except, it does. It means everything.

He's standing up and making his way through the crowds before he can process what he's doing, and the cool air from outside hits him like a brick, hot tears sticking to the corners of his eyes. He wipes at them, angrily, and turns in a random direction. He doesn't care where he goes, where he ends up, just that he's outside of the club and away. 

Jared’s not going to know where he’s gone, or where he’s going, and maybe even why he’s taken off. Neither of them have got cellphones on them. They haven't needed them in the weeks they've been beneath the sun together. He runs a hand over the side of his face and picks up his speed.

Jensen reaches the truck and gets the keys out of his pocket, unlocking it and grabbing his bag and phone from the glove box. Jared’s phone is sitting there and ignores it, turning his own on for the first time since they left Texas before slipping it into his jeans pocket.

Once he’s got his bag slung over his shoulder he locks the truck and puts the keys on top of the front tire on the driver’s side, ignoring the stinging in his eyes and tight constriction of his throat, the stabbing in his chest each time he takes a breath.

He walks. He leaves the nightlife behind him and heads towards the road, hoping someone will see him and decide to offer a ride. Jensen sticks his thumb out and the cars fly on past.

Jensen’s not sure how long it’s been, maybe a quarter of an hour later, when a truck rolls to a slow stop beside him and a girl and a guy smile down at him.

 “You need a lift?” the guy asks. “Where you going, man?”

 “Texas,” Jensen says. “If you can get me anywhere close I’d be grateful.”

 “Hop in,” the guy says. "You’re in a bit of luck. We're going to New Mexico."

 The girl smiles at him and shuffles over, giving him some room.

“What’s your name, kid?” the guy asks as they start off again along the road. 

“Jensen,” he says.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Robbie. This is Maggie.”

“Hey,” Maggie says. “How come you’re so far away from home?”

 _Home._ There’s that word again.

“Texas is just where I need to be,” Jensen settles with.

They share a look but don't ask any more questions. Jensen tries to break the awkward silence by asking his own.

"So why are you two heading to New Mexico?"

“We’re getting married,” Maggie says, and the two share a soft look. "Robbie's parents are there and we're staying for a week to finalize the arrangements."

"Hey, that's awesome," Jensen says. "Good luck to you both."

“What about you, Jensen?” Maggie asks. “Do you have a girl back home - or, wherever? Maybe in Texas?”

Jensen looks down at his folded hands, wishes he had a cigarette on him. “No, uh. No, I don’t.”

“Sounds like there’s a story there,” she says, softly.

Jensen smiles. “Not a very good one, I’m afraid.”

Robbie saves him from any more questions by putting the radio on, and Jensen relaxes back in his seat, watching the city lights disappear behind him.

Jensen knows when he gets back to Texas there’s nowhere for him to go. There’s no one place with the word  _home_ written on it, and over the last couple of weeks he’d learnt to associate it with a person instead.

He dreads the way he’ll have to go crawling back to his parents, beg their forgiveness and pretend to be the person he knows he isn't.

They stay at a rest-stop that night and Jensen tries to sleep in the front with the chair rolled back as far as it will go, Robbie and Maggie in the back.

He pulls out his phone and sees there are seven missed calls, three voicemails and five texts.

He hovers his thumb over the answer button before finally relenting and holding it up to his ear.

“Hi,” he manages to force out, his voice raspy. He clears his throat and hears Jared breathe, low and relieved, on the other end. He quietly gets out of the truck and walks a little way off to not wake the other two. 

“ _Jen,_ ” Jared says. “ _You’re okay. I’ve been worried, man. Where are you? Are you -- are you leaving? The truck keys, I don’t…_ ”

“I’m sorry, Jay. But I can’t -- I can’t do this anymore. I’m going back to Texas.”

“ _Jen, wait. What’s wrong? Did I do something? If I--_ ”

“Jared, stop.” There’s a steady thumping in his head and the words are crumbling in his mouth. “I’m just going home. I’m sorry.”

 Jensen hangs up and shuts his eyes, rubbing a hand over his forehead.

Thinks that, maybe, this wasn't the right thing to do. He doesn't want to punish Jared but it's too painful to be beside him and feel so intangible like air, like smoke and dust. To feel like there's some sort of connection there but it's the fact he's a guy, in the wrong body, for Jared to feel anything like that towards him. Wonders why he had to fall for his best friend.

He walks back to the truck and gets into the front, shutting his eyes and willing sleep to come.

 

***

Robbie and Maggie are early risers and they're driving again the next morning, already stopping at a gas station before Jensen feels he's properly woken up.

Jensen uses the toilet and then rests against the side of the building, watching traffic fly past and tired people wandering into the gas station and leaving with coffee.

“Hey, kid, we’re gonna… Hey, are you okay?”

Robbie is staring at him with concern on his face. Jensen straightens up and nods.

“Yeah,” Jensen says, trying for a smile. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

Robbie walks up beside him and leans against the wall. He crosses his arms over his chest and stares out over the gas station.

“I’m guessing it’s either family or love."

Jensen laughs. “Maybe a bit of both.”

“Yeah,” Robbie says. “It always is.”

Jensen’s used to not sharing anything with anyone. Jared’s the only one who’s ever been able to pry, who’s been able to knock down Jensen’s walls and get him talking. He wonders if, maybe, he shouldn’t have been so closed off this time. If, maybe, things would be different if he’d been more open about his feelings with Jared. 

“How did you know?” Jensen asks, nodding towards the car, where Maggie is sat, reading a magazine. “That you wanted to marry her? That she was, you know. The one.”

“Can I give you some advice? I mean, I know we’re practically strangers, but you’re a good kid, and I wish someone had told me this when I was your age.”

 Jensen gives a small nod.

 “Be who you are, do what you want, and fuck everything else. Love the people you love, love yourself, and keep the ones you love close. That’s it.”

 Jensen mulls the over the words. Wonders how that fits into loving someone who doesn’t love you back, or loving someone who won’t accept you for who you are.

“You make it sound simple,” he says. “And super fucking hard all at the same time.”

“If nothing else, forgive yourself, accept yourself and love yourself. That’s gotta be most important, right?”

Jensen bites back on a smile. “Are you a hippy?”

Robbie laughs. “Get in the damn car or you’ll have to find someone else to get you to Texas.”

 

***

Once they reach New Mexico, Jensen knows that his ride is up.

“This is as far as we’re going,” Robbie says. He looks apologetic, and Jensen thinks he’s going to miss him, miss the both of them.

"You keep safe, Jensen," Maggie says. "I hope everything works out for you." 

“Thanks,” Jensen says. “Really. Thank you both.”

“Oh, and Jensen? To answer your question from earlier? I’ve been thinking about it, and the answer is that I just knew. It felt right, and everyone else would have felt wrong. Like flimsy replacements.”

He pauses where he’s standing and then offers a smile before jumping out of the truck and turning back to look at them both. They pull away while Maggie waves, back onto the road, and Jensen stands there, watching until it disappears into nothing.

_Everyone else would have felt wrong._

He takes a deep breath and he turns around.

 

***

Jensen blows the rest of his money on a train that goes from New Mexico to Texas for $45. It feels like a long, long journey, even if it’s only around 7 hours, and he’s travelled a lot longer than that before.

He sleeps for most of the journey and wakes up in a daze at the other end, ready to see his home town but feeling anxious at the same time.

It feels like nothing has changed, like his sleepy town has been stuck on pause for the short time he's been away. He feels different, coming back, feels like maybe he's outgrown their hometown, too.

It's not a long walk to his neighborhood, but it feels like going to war.

The front yard is neat, flowers in perfect lines, and hanging baskets full of begonias.

He takes a deep steadying breath and knocks on the door.

The door opens and Jensen’s mom stands there, a hand against her chest and her eyes wide and glassy.

“Jensen,” she whispers, and then peers around the neighborhood as if checking to see if he’s alone, to see if the neighbors have noticed the return of the prodigal son. She steps aside and he walks into the house, into the hallway he hasn’t seen in weeks.

It smells of sadness. It smells empty and bare, like cardboard and brick. His mom presses a cool hand to his cheek and he closes his eyes, doesn’t want to see the look in her eyes.

“You came home,” she says. He tilts his head to the side away from her hand and she drops it. He swallows hard and opens his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left.” The words taste awful and heavy in his mouth.

To his own ears he doesn’t sound apologetic at all, but she wraps her arms around him, bringing him close for a hug. He wraps his own arms around her, stiff and controlled like a wooden puppet, and they stand there awkwardly without saying anything.

“Your father will be glad to see you’ve changed your mind,” she says, once they’ve pulled away and they’re back to staring at each other.

Jensen swallows hard.

“Where’s Mack?"

“At a friend’s for the night.”

Jensen's glad she's not here to see the potential fall out, but misses her all the same.

Jensen and his mom are awkward around each other, and Jensen chickens out before his dad gets home and heads up to his room to sleep. He looks down at his phone and wonders if more texts and missed calls would come through if he turned it on.

He leaves it off and lies down in bed, relaxing at the feeling of the soft mattress beneath him and the comforter wrapped tight around him, slipping into sleep.                                                                                                                      

 

***

Jensen's dad does little to acknowledge Jensen's presence the next morning, and after that Jensen makes an effort to avoid him. It's easy enough with both his parents at work, and Mack still at her friend’s, Josh in another state.

He allows himself to indulge in small luxuries with the house to himself, and tries everything to not think about Jared.

He has a long bath and reads favorite parts of his favorite novels, and cooks himself the first healthy meal in what feels like forever.

Mack gets home around lunchtime and is glad to spend some time with him and they wish a movie together, before another awkward, silent family mea. Afterwards, Jensen disappears into his room again, already feeling like he's suffocating.

 

***

The next day, around noon, there's a knock on the door. 

Jensen answers without thinking much about it, and feels himself freeze up at the person he sees standing there. He looks tired, worn out, unshaven and with dark bags beneath his eyes. 

“Can I come in?”

There are a thousand answers to that and they all boil down to two different decisions. He hates himself for how easily it’s made. He steps back and drops his eyes as Jared brushes past him into the hallway. 

He goes straight towards the back room and Jensen watches him in confusion, feels the anger and the hurt sting like a fresh wound with the stitches torn out.

Jared is bending down in front of the record player and Jensen stops just in the entrance of the room, unsure what to do or to say.

He wants to ask why Jared’s back. He wants to ask how he could push Jensen away like he did and come back into his life like he belongs there and Jensen knows it will always be like that because he’ll never be able to say no. And it hurts.

The needle hits the vinyl and Jared stands up and turns to Jensen. His eyes are wide and glassy and Jensen’s breath nearly leaves him at the sight. He looks small and vulnerable and walks towards Jensen until he's only a few steps away.

Jensen doesn’t recognize the song. Not at first. 

And then everything falls into place. The seconds stop and everything settles down to this moment between them, and Jared half-smiles, but the tears are already forming at the edges of his eyes.

Jared has put  _This Guy’s In Love With You_ by Herb Alpert on the record player and Jensen is feeling his throat constrict and his own eyes start to get wet. Jared once said that with every meaningful moment in life there’s a song to go with it and Jensen finally, finally, understands what that means.

"I stopped searching," Jared says suddenly. With anyone else it would be out of the blue, but to Jensen it makes perfect sense.

 “Did you find it?” he asks, his voice shaking.

“It’s you I was looking for, Jensen. It was always you.”

Jensen bites hard on his lip and Jared steps closer, reaches his hands out slowly, circling his fingers around Jensen’s wrists.

They’re breathing each other’s air, and all it takes is Jensen moving that tiny distance further and their lips are pressing together. It’s only a soft brush at first, sweet and chaste, and then his hands are fisting in the front of Jared’s shirt and Jared’s arms are wrapping around his waist, pulling him closer.

“Jensen, I am so sorry,” he mumbles against Jensen’s lips. “I am such a fucking idiot. I shouldn’t have gone off with her, I--”

“Don’t,” Jensen says, looking down and gripping tighter at the front of Jared’s shirt, scared this is just his imagination, that with the wrong words Jared will slip away. “It happened and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Nothing happened, Jensen,” Jared says softly. “We danced for a song, and then I realized you had gone. I left to look for you. We didn’t even kiss.”

Jensen’s taking careful, measured breaths, trying to understand Jared’s words.

“Did you hear me, Jensen?” Jared says, brushing the pad of his thumb across Jensen’s cheek. “We didn’t even kiss.”

Jensen looks up, feeling raw and self-conscious and vulnerable, and feels as a hot tear rolls down his cheek.

“Oh, Jensen,” Jared says, frowning down at him. “I never meant to hurt you. Never.”

Jensen answers with another kiss, and they go up to Jensen's bedroom, their fingers interlinked as they walk.

Jared keeps touching him, just small brushes of skin against skin, and Jensen leans into them, feeling like he's carefully being held together.

“I thought you hated Holden Caulfield?” Jared asks, eyeing the open copy of  _The Catcher In The Rye_  that’s face down on the bed. When Jensen doesn’t answer, he smiles. 

Jared takes a look around Jensen's bedroom; the walls bare and only a few books on his shelf, and his smile falls.

“Come home with me,” Jared says, suddenly, taking Jensen’s hands in his. “Sleep in my bed. Eat breakfast with me. Be there with me.”

Jensen stares into Jared’s eyes and feels consumed by the love that’s shining there. He thinks of the silent dinners, the way everyone is tip-toeing around him, the way Mack can't stand to be in the house and Jensen can't blame her.

“Let me pack a bag.”

 

***

Jensen’s in the hallway, getting ready to leave, when the door opens.

Jensen’s mom walks into the house, smiles when she sees him and then freezes when her eyes land on Jared.

Her entire demeanor changes and she straightens up, lips pressing into a thin line, and she looks older, angular, carved out of stone.

Their eyes meet and Jensen doesn’t say anything. Beside him, Jared takes his hand, and Jensen laces their fingers together. 

He leads them both down the hallway, past her, and out of the house. Once they’re outside Jensen lets out a shaky breath and Jared pulls him close, presses a kiss to the top of his head.

Neither of them say anything for a long while. Finally, Jensen pulls back and takes Jared’s hand in his, and they start walking together to Jared’s.

 

 ***

As soon as Jared’s mom sees him, she pulls him into a tight hug.

“Jensen,” she says, squeezing him. “It is so good to see you.”

She pulls back and holds him at arm’s length, looking him over. “You boys get taller every day. And look at you both - so tanned, and your  _freckles!_ Are you going to be staying with us again?”

Jensen stands there for a moment, a little stunned, trying to absorb all the questions and Jared stares at him from the other side of the room, biting his lip to stop himself smiling. 

“Uh, yes, yeah. If that’s okay, I mean.”

“Of course it is,” she assures. “You know that, Jensen. This is your home for as long as you want it to be.”

 “Thank you,” Jensen says sincerely.

He finally,  _finally_ , feels like he’s home.

 

***


	9. Part 9

The next day, Jared and Jensen have the house to themselves. They spend the night in Jared’s bed, curled up and sharing each other’s warmth, and neither of them rises until midday.

They keep stealing kisses from each other; the neck, jawline, tip of the nose and lips. They both shower and eat together in Jared’s room, listening to his records and enjoying the easiness of each other’s company. 

Jensen watches Jared as he sits on the bed, studies every inch of his face like he’s done a thousand times before. This time, however, he accompanies his study with kisses and touch, and Jensen kisses back, pulling him close. Jensen feels like it’s been building up to this all day, feeling a heat pool low in his stomach and the need to taste every inch of Jared’s body.

Their touches are tentative at first, as if they’re reassuring each other that they’re real, that this is actually happening. Jared’s fingertips trace featherlight patterns over Jensen’s lips, along his jaw, and Jensen strokes a thumb over the back of Jared’s neck.

“It’s okay,” Jared says, quietly. “This. Us. It’s okay, Jen.”

“I know,” Jensen breathes. “I know it is.”

Jared’s mouth is on his and Jensen’s hands have already found themselves in Jared’s hair, threading his fingers through it. It’s as if they’ve transformed from a trickling stream to a raging, white-water river, tugging at each other’s belts, their t-shirts, kicking off socks and jeans. 

Jared bites, gently, at Jensen’s bottom lip and he  _whimpers,_ throws his top across the room and presses himself up close against Jared again, hands scratching at the sweat-slick of his back.

Only their boxers separate them now, and they continue kissing, hurried and hot into each other’s mouths, Jensen wanting to taste everything, to take all that Jared will give. They break apart to breathe and they stand there in the middle of the room, staring at each other, eyes dark and pupils blown.

Jared swallows, his hands faltering on Jensen's hips. "I've never--"

"It's okay," Jensen says, hands reaching forwards to rest on Jared’s chest. "Neither have I. We'll go slow." 

"Okay," Jared breathes.

"I trust you," Jensen says.

Jared smiles. "Okay," he says again, and he ducks his head down to meet Jensen's lips for a slow, gentle kiss. They’re calmer now, sobered by the fact they’re actually going to do this. 

They quickly take off their boxers and then move over to the bed and lie down on top of it, Jensen bracketed beneath Jared’s body as they continue to kiss and suck at each other’s skin. Jensen tastes like salt, and at the same time something sweet like honey, and something altogether uniquely  _Jared._

Jensen pulls his mouth away to ask, "Have you got lube?"

"No," Jared says, pulling back. “I didn’t…”

“It’s okay,” Jensen says. “I’ve got some in my bag. Let me just--”

“Wait,” Jared says, placing a hand on Jensen’s chest. “It’s okay. I don’t mind getting it for you.”

He scrambles up off of Jensen and clambers off the bed. He reaches for Jensen’s bag and roots through it, and Jensen lies on his back wondering how they managed to get to the point they are. He feels vulnerable, bare, almost scrutinized spread out on the top of his bed, but this is  _Jared_ he's with.

This is  _Jared_.

"Got it," he says, moving back onto the bed. He's grinning, like he's conquered some great challenge and Jensen smiles back, wants to dip his tongue into each dimple on his cheek. 

"Good," Jensen says. He shifts on the bed, his dick achingly hard and he lifts his hips a little, to be met by nothing but air. "Fuck, come on, Jay."

Jared's all action and haste then, popping the lid on the lube and pouring a liberal amount into the palm of his hand. Then he pauses, looking up through his bangs at Jensen, hands stilled.

"Shall I just...?"

"Jared, come here you dork," Jensen says, grabbing Jared by the hips and pulling him down.

They both moan at the sudden contact and it’s like electricity running through them, charged again, fingers digging into skin and leaving little, pink crescents from their nails.

A tentative finger presses up against Jensen’s hole and he sucks in a shuddery breath.

"Cold," Jensen says, and Jared laughs, soft and low.

"Sorry, Jen," he says, the pad of this thumb moving in small circles.

Jensen relaxes against the touch and tries to push back against Jared’s finger. Jared seems to understand, and then Jensen’s being filled, first with one finger and then two.

“Fuck,” Jensen says, bringing his legs up higher. “Holy shit, Jared, your fingers are fucking big.”

Jared’s hesitancy disappears as Jensen urges him on, rising his hips up to meet the push of his fingers until there’s three, and Jared is going a little slower to allow Jensen to adjust. Jared is unwinding Jensen like clockwork, playing him like a violin. He feels tense and strung-out, desperate for more of Jared, for all of him.

“Come on,” Jensen urges. “Get in me, Jared.”

“Shit,” Jared breathes, opening the condom packet. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Jensen says. “I’m sure. I want you.” 

Jared takes a deep breath and positions himself before slowly sliding in, Jensen trying to relax and breathe through the pain.

“I’ve got you,” Jared says softly, placing his palm on Jensen’s chest, his other arm shaking in exertion. “Tell me if you want me to stop.”

“Just give me a minute,” Jensen says, once Jared’s fully inside him, hovering above Jensen and staring down at him with such intensity Jensen feels himself grow hot beneath it. Jared’s looking at him like he’s the only person in the world.

“Okay,” Jensen says, after a few beats. “It’s okay. You can move.”

Jared’s hesitant again, taking it slow and easy, and Jensen leans up to lock their lips again, moaning into his mouth, and Jared’s hips begin to move faster.

They move together like the breaking of a wave, like the earth and the sun, like two hands of a clock. Jensen feels consumed, wrapped up in Jared’s hands, and Jared’s building him back together from his foundations. His hands trace over his body, keeping him grounded, solid and whole, and he scrambles for purchase along Jared’s back, pulling him closer and deeper.

“That’s it,” Jensen breathes. “Right there.”

“You’re so beautiful,” Jared says, breath ghosting against his ear. “So beautiful, Jen.”

Jensen’s getting closer, can feel it rise through him, and he forces his eyes open where they had closed to meet Jared’s eyes. Jared’s mouth is open, his lips swollen and pink, and he ducks his head down to kiss Jensen hard on the lips and moans, filthy and deep, against Jensen’s ear.

“I’m gonna come, I’m gonna---”

Jensen’s cut off on a moan, eyes squeezed shut as his orgasm hits like an electric shock, flooding through him like the crash of a breaking tidal wave. He’s absently aware of Jared’s fingers pressing harder into his shoulders and then Jared’s erratic rhythm is stilled, and he collapses on top of Jensen, moaning against Jensen’s ear.

Jensen whimpers at the heavy press of Jared against his spent cock, and Jared pulls out of him once he’s taken a few deep breaths to collect himself, before rolling over onto his back. They lie there just breathing together and Jared’s fingers find Jensen’s, resting their hands together palm-to-palm.

“I love you,” Jared says on an exhale. He turns his head and wraps his arm around Jensen, pulling him close. “I  _love_ you.”

Jensen grins and lets Jared assault him with kisses, soft presses of lips all over his hot, flushed skin.

“I love you, Jensen Ackles. I really, really love you.”

Jensen rolls on top of him and kisses him hard. “I love you too, Jared. I really fucking love you.”

Jared grins up at him and Jensen wipes it off his face with another kiss.

Jensen rolls off of Jared and gets out of bed, picking up his cigarettes. “Can I?” he asks, nodding towards the window. 

“If you do the Irish Waterfall thing, then yes.”

Jensen sits on the window sill and pushes the window open. He slips the cigarette between his lips and inhales, deep and slow, as he lights it with his zippo.

"Fuck," he says, throwing his head back and blowing the smoke out of the window. He shuts his eyes and enjoys the cigarette, thinks what his mom or dad would say if they could see him now. Jensen's not sure he can give a shit anymore.

“You shouldn’t smoke, because it’s bad for you and it’s going to taste like shit when I kiss you, but fuck, you look hot.”

“You look hot, too,” Jensen says.

“Thanks,” Jared says, getting up and walking over to the record player. He puts on his iPod instead, and  _Yellow Ledbetter_ starts to play from his speakers. They share a soft look and Jared walks over to slip their fingers together. Jensen lets his head rest against the wall with a smile.

 

 ***

Jensen feels himself slowly waking up, his head groggy and heavy. It's late, and the room is still dark, having gone to bed what must have been no more than a couple of hours ago. He lies there, ready to drift off again when he hears a soft murmur.

"You don't realize how much I care about you, Jen."

The words take a while to filter through his sleep-haze but as soon as he processes them he's awake. He keeps his eyes shut, doesn't dare move, and tries not to smile when he feels Jared brush his hair away from his forehead.

"I've been a dick," he says quietly. "I know that. I've been a blind idiot."

Jensen wants to move forwards, wrap his arms around Jared and hold him close. He also wants to hear what Jared has to say, what he says when he thinks Jensen is fast asleep and can't hear.

"You mean everything to me, Jensen. Absolutely everything."

Jensen keeps his eyes shut and feels warmth bloom in his chest.

"I love you. A whole fucking lot."

Jensen does move then, slowly. He rolls on his side towards Jared but keeps his eyes closed. Jared pulls him close, wraps his arms around him and presses a kiss to the top of his head.

They fall asleep again, curled up in each other. 

 

***

The next morning they sit opposite each other on Jared’s bed and share a bowl of strawberries and eat pancakes.

“I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to kiss you in the last few weeks,” Jared says. “I mean - I freaked out when I realized what was actually going on.”

A memory hits Jensen. “In Summerland, in the motel room. When you gave me the book.”

“Yeah,” Jared says. “I was so fucking close to pushing you up against that bed and kissing you, Jensen. It freaked me out.”

Jensen's heart thumps hard in his chest and he reaches a hand forward to stroke Jared's wrist.

“And then you had to go and run into the  _ocean_ in the pouring rain the next day and man, when I was watching you I realized, you know? I didn’t just want to fuck you, or whatever. I loved you. I was  _in_ love with you.”

“We’re idiots,” Jensen says, staring up at Jared fondly.

Jared grins and he cups Jensen cheek. “Maybe. But we’re adorable idiots.”

Jensen kisses Jared’s hand and leans forward to suck at Jared’s neck. Jared yelps, the sound quickly dipping low into a moan as Jensen continues sucking.

He pulls back with a wet smacking sound and grins at the pink mark there. 

“Don’t start something you can’t finish,” Jared warns, before taking a bite of his strawberry.

“Oh, I plan to,” Jensen says. Jared moves the plates of food out the way and pulls him down, wrapping his arms tight around Jensen’s waist.

Jensen smiles against his chest and kisses the skin there, still relishing in the fact he’s able to do this.

 

***

They’ve both mentioned that they should leave Jared’s bedroom, but they’re both too comfortable, wrapped up in each other and sharing lazy kisses.

“ _I wanna love you every day and every night_ ,” Jared says, slipping their fingers together. “ _We’ll be together with a roof right over our heads. We’ll share the shelter of my single bed_.”

They’re back to playing their song and novel game, sharing lines of songs, books and poems.

“ _Is this love that I’m feeling?_ ”

Jared grins and leans forward to press their lips together. “You never told me you were a Bob Marley fan,” he mumbles against Jensen’s mouth.

“ _You satisfy my soul_.”

Jared rolls his eyes. “That’s fucking cheesy, Jensen.” 

“Sorry, asshole,” Jensen says, but there’s no real heat behind it and he’s still smiling. “What I meant to say was -- _hey hey, good lookin’, whatcha got cookin’--”_

Jared laughs and cuts Jensen off with a kiss to his lips.

“Do you remember that book?” Jared asks, once they’ve pulled apart. “The one you were telling me about with the road trip across America? Something about Vegas?”

“ _Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas._ ”

“Yeah,” Jared says. “I wanna read that. Compare our experiences.”

“I have a copy,” Jensen says. “It’s… It’s at home.”

Jared’s expression changes and he takes Jensen’s hand and squeezes it. “Jensen, you and your dad. Your parents. I’m sorry this is all so shitty for you. Really, Jen. You don’t deserve to feel like this.”

“I don’t want to talk about that,” Jensen says, feeling pained. 

“You need to talk to them,” Jared says, softly. “You love them.”

He meets Jared’s gaze and Jared brings his other hand up to cup the side of Jensen’s neck with his hand, thumb stroking gently along his jawline.

“I don’t think I can change their minds, Jared. I can’t make them happy,” Jensen says.

“Jensen, you’ve got to do this for you, not for them. Speak to them only if it will make you feel better.” 

Jensen remembers some advice he received on the road.  _Love the people you love, love yourself, and keep the ones you love close._  

He leans forward and kisses Jared on the lips. Hovers there for a long moment, before saying, “Okay.”

Jared continues to stare at Jensen with a soft, gentle smile. “Do you want me to come with you?” 

“No. This is something I’ve got to do myself.”

Jared presses a tender kiss against Jensen’s forehead. He holds it there for a few long moments before pulling back. 

“I’m proud of you, baby. You know where to find me if you need me.”

 “I do,” Jensen says.

Jensen swallows hard, trying to collect himself, and slowly extricates himself from Jared’s grip. He wants to get this over and done with, wants to go now and see if he can smooth things over. Even if they don’t accept him, he’d like to be on speaking terms, because he loves them. He loves them a lot.

Jensen gets ready and Jared walks him to the door, giving him a long kiss before Jensen leaves, taking deep breaths as he walks to his neighborhood.

 

***


	10. Part 10

Jensen waits awkwardly on the doorstep, briefly considers turning back around and giving up this entire idea, when it opens and Josh is standing there.

Jensen stands there momentarily stunned, not having expected to see his older brother at the door.

“Jensen,” Josh says. His expression doesn’t betray anything and Jensen continues to stand awkwardly on the doorstep, his hands dug deep into his pockets.

“Hey,” Jensen says. “I didn’t know you were home.”

 Jensen’s met with another thick, heavy silence and he swallows, casting his eyes down.

“Okay, I’ll--”

Jensen’s cut off by Josh coming forward and wrapping him arms around him, pulling him close. Jensen freezes before wrapping his own arms around Josh, patting him a couple of times on the back.

“Asshole, don’t you know how to use a phone?” Josh says, once they’ve pulled apart.

“I’ve been away,” Jensen says. “On a road trip.”

“Yeah,” Josh says quietly. “Mom was telling us about that. I think maybe you should come inside.”

“Is dad home?”

Josh offers him a strained smile, but it’s more of a grimace and Jensen doesn’t want to know that means, what he’s been saying since Jensen left. “Yeah. Come on in. Mack misses you.” 

Jensen follows Josh into the hallway and to the living room, where Mack’s sitting and watching television.

“Hey, Mackenzie,” Jensen says, bending down to give her a hug.

“Jensen!” she says, wrapping her arms around him. She’s always happy to see him and Jensen kisses the side of her head before standing up again.

“They’re in the kitchen,” Josh says quietly, and gives a quick squeeze to his shoulder. “It’s okay, little brother. We love you a lot.”

Jensen smiles at him and walks towards the kitchen, pausing in the hallway to gather himself before pushing open the kitchen door.

“Jensen,” his mom says, turning around from the kitchen counter as he enters. “You’re back.”

She looks pale, tired, her lips in a thin line. Jensen’s dad is sat at the kitchen table with printed sheets spread out in front of him and a pen in one hand. He looks up when Jensen enters and then sits back against his chair, taking his glasses off.

“Jensen,” he says.

 Jensen nods in acknowledgement and they’re thrown into an uncomfortable silence. Jensen sits down at the table and runs a hand over his face.

“I don’t want to fight,” he begins. “I don’t want to avoid you guys, or never talk to you. You’re my  _family._ But I’m not going to pretend to hide a part of myself that’s really important.” 

Jensen’s mom sits down beside him at the table and Jensen’s dad is watching him, assessing, his expression revealing nothing.

“I’m dating Jared,” Jensen says, staring down at his clasped hands on the table. “I love him.”

Jensen looks up to see his mom frowning, and his dad is staring down at his own hands, not making eye contact.

“I’m staying with Jared and his mom. I’m happy there. I just miss you guys,” he says, the last word coming out shaky. He clears his throat and waits for someone to break the silence.

“Jensen,” his dad says, finally, and Jensen looks at him with anxiety fluttering in his chest. “We can’t pretend to… understand. But you’re our son. And we love you.”

The words take a moment to sink in.

“We do,” his mom says. “Jensen, we could never stop loving you. Even if we don’t  _agree_ with your lifestyle… we’re family.”

Jensen smiles and rubs a hand over his mouth, trying to keep it together and not let himself unravel in front of them. Jensen’s mom wraps her arms around him and kisses the top of his head before pulling back.

“Thanks,” Jensen says, wiping a stray tear from his cheek. “I love you both, too.”

Jensen stays for dinner before saying his goodbyes. Jensen’s dad is still a little off, and things are still tense between them, but he gives Jensen a pat on the back and a small smile and it’s enough, for now. 

Jared pulls him into a hug as soon as he’s through the door of the Padalecki’s and holds him tight against his chest. Jensen slowly relaxes against him and clutches at the back of Jared’s shirt.

“How’d it go?” Jared whispers against his ear.

“Good. Better than expected.”

“Good,” Jared says.

Jared pulls back and studies him carefully, before leaning forward with a smile and kissing him on the lips. “I was thinking. Tomorrow we should down to the lake.”

“I’d like that,” Jensen says. “I’d like that a lot.”

They go upstairs to Jared’s room and Jensen lets himself go boneless on Jared’s bed, Jared curled up behind him and pressing warm kisses against the back of his neck. He feels safe and he feels loved, and feels lighter than he has in weeks.

 

*** 

Jared sits down on the grass and lies back. He puts his hands behind his head with a smile, shutting his eyes. His shirt rides up a few inches, revealing a tanned strip of stomach, and Jensen can’t help himself, has to throw a leg either side of Jared’s hips and sit on top of him.

Jared grins and places his hands on Jensen’s hips without opening his eyes.

Jensen leans forward and presses his lips to Jared’s. Jared’s lips are soft, warm, and taste like strawberry from the popsicles they ate on the way over. He brings a hand up to cup the back of Jensen’s head and Jensen sighs happily against his mouth, resting his face in the crook of Jared’s neck. 

A dragonfly flies past them, soaring over the lake and a gentle breeze brushes over their skin. Jensen smiles.

Before leaving, the sun a burnt orange glow in the sky, they stop in front of the oak tree. In silence, Jared slips his fingers through Jensen’s, and leans forward, pen-knife in his other hand. 

Around the  _J+J_ that's scratched into the bark, there’s now a wonky heart carved around it.

Jensen gives Jared’s hand a squeeze and Jared turns to him, grinning.

“There’s our mark,” he says. “You and me.”

“J and J,” Jensen murmurs, tracing it with his finger.

“J and J.”

Together they went on their great journey. Across the heated tarmac and into the lives of three boys in LA, three free teenagers in the middle of nowhere, a boy on the side of the road with a bandana in his hair. A girl in a dirty club who wanted to dance. A couple who decided to stop and pick up the boy who looked lost in the San Francisco night. The boy in love with maps and journeys; the boy in love with his best friend and the inner world of books.

And so the boy in love with the outside world, and the boy in love with what he thought he could never have, fell in love with each other.

They left their mark across America.  _J+J._

And that was that.

 

 

_End._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> If you would like to see the art masterpost, go [here](http://mashimero.livejournal.com/206898.html). 
> 
> To share this story on tumblr, please reblog [this post](http://lovebirdstiel.tumblr.com/post/57426342539/title-we-carved-our-love-in-oak-author).


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